Her Death Brought Me to Life

In the midst of living, most days, I somehow forget how much pain I really am in... I somehow forget how painful losing a perfectly healthy full-term baby girl is... I somehow forget how painful life after loss really is.

But every now and then...

I go back to that night.

I go back to the minutes before I gave birth to our deceased daughter.

I go back to the days, and weeks, and even months following our loss.

I go back...

And then I start questioning myself...

How did I let this happen?

How did Peyton's death not kill me or at least throw me into a depression where I couldn't leave the house for months?

Does the hope that I've held onto make me a bad Mother?

Why am I being given a second chance?

How did I get to this point in time?

No matter the answer's to those questions there is one thing I cannot deny: I am alive.

On the morning following Peyton's death and birth we met a woman with a camera. Marti Wagner, a photographer who volunteers her time with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, photographed Peyton. Little did I know at that time that this woman would become one of my very best friends and my personal angel on earth. I didn't learn until after Marti left that morning that she was a volunteer and that these photographs would not cost Matt and I anything. After Marti left my Mom informed me that Marti was a volunteer and exactly what she had just done for Matt and I; for our family. It was then that I cried my first set of healing tears.

A little over a week later we received a medium sized envelope in the mail. Inside was a note from Marti along with a CD of Peyton's photographs and a personalized DVD slide show. Minutes later Matt and I sat holding one another, watching the DVD. The DVD was absolutely beautiful. Peyton's beautiful photographs were set to special music. As I sat there watching the slide show I imagined the work that went into Marti editing the photographs; the time she must have invested. In the photographs you could not even tell that we were in a hospital bed, let alone that Peyton was already deceased. And then a picture of Matt kissing Peyton's forehead appeared on our television screen... and it was then that I cried my second set of healing tears.

Matt and I sent Marti a Happy Holiday's card in mid-December, along with a thank you card for the gift that she had given us that holiday season. Just a few days later we received a Happy Holiday's card from Marti in the mail. I thought that would be the last time we would exchange words with Marti. But it was not.

In January, Matt and I started off the new year by taking an extended-weekend getaway. We made the decision to begin trying to conceive for our rainbow baby that weekend. It was then that I cried my third set of healing tears. For whatever reason, Matt loved me... truly loved me. I realized it that weekend.

A few weeks later we began a 9 week support group for infant loss at Cornerstone of Hope that was held every Saturday morning for 2 hours. It was at our first group meeting that I cried my fourth set of healing tears. My heart broke that the people that sat in the same room with Matt and I shared our pain... that they knew the deep, dark, painful secrets of neonatal and infant loss. But my heart felt so good that for the first time since we lost Peyton that I was surrounded by people with who I could talk about my baby openly... freely... without feeling like I was the dark cloud on someones otherwise sunny day.

In the following weeks we learned about the lives of Robbie, Joey, Frankie, Nicolo Jr., and Jacob and how their parents were living their own lives after loss. There were many Saturday mornings that I would go home and cry because I wish I could have personally met each of the boys. I was so honored to share in each of these couples journeys, and to share our journey with them. I was especially honored to share in Allison and Joe's journey of pregnancy after loss.

In February we began planning a fundraiser in honor of Peyton, benefiting the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Organization. I spent weeks exchanging emails and phone calls with several women from NILMDTS. In March, Mindy Tapaan from NILMDTS asked me if it would be okay that she contact our NILMDTS photographer, Marti, to see if she would like to participate in our fundraiser. I immediately shrieked "YES!", on the phone. Within the hour Mindy was calling me back informing me that Marti would be in contact with me and that she would love to be involved in our fundraiser. I spoke to Marti on the phone later that day. She said that she would see us on April 27th with her camera and that she would like to donate a photography session for our Chinese Raffle.

On February 26th we learned we were expecting our rainbow baby. It was then that I cried my fifth set of healing tears.


On April 27th Marti and I were reunited at our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Fundraiser in honor of our daughter, Peyton. We were overjoyed to share that special night with Marti and her husband, Lou.

With the help of family and friends, and Marti and her husband, Lou, we raised over $2,800 in Peyton's name for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

It was that night that I cried my sixth set of healing tears.

It was truly an amazing evening!

About a week later Gina Harris, from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, called me and personally thanked Matt and I for our fundraiser. She asked me if I would like to sit on NILMDTS's Parent Committee. I was overwhelmed with joy! I of course accepted.

It was then that I cried my seventh set of healing tears.






On May 17th we celebrated Peyton's half birthday with our parents and siblings, just as we would have if she were alive. We had yummy food and a special half birthday Monkey cake, in honor of Peyton.

We celebrated the beauty that she brought into our lives... the gift that she truly was and STILL is.

It was such a beautiful evening. Later that evening I cried my eighth set of healing tears.

The next day, May 18th, I had an elective ultrasound at Babywaves in Independence, OH to learn the gender of baby Matty. My in-laws, sister in law, little sister, and brother in law joined me for the ultrasound. My Mom and Matt both had to work that day. Around 1:40pm we learned that we were expecting a baby boy, Matthew Jr. In the bathroom after the ultrasound I cried my ninth set of healing tears... suddenly it was so real - we are having a baby!

On May 29th our baby loss friends, Allison and Joe, welcomed their rainbow baby, Anika, into the world. It was then that I cried my tenth set of healing tears, and even now it still makes me cry happy tears. Allison's pregnancy after loss was inspiring and Anika's birth gave me so much hope.

On July 20th my parent's had a surprise birthday party for me. Our baby loss friends Katy and Frank were there along with Allison and Miss Anika. That evening Katy and Frank shared with us that they are expecting their rainbow baby. I did not cry. Instead, I was overwhelmed with immense happiness!

At the beginning of August I completed an interview for an online parenting magazine for an article about our loss and Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I answered questions about my pregnancy with Peyton, the night we lost Peyton, our experience with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, our life after loss, and our current pregnancy. The entire interview had me in tears, beginning to finish. I wish I did not have the experience that aloud me to participate in such an article and many of the tears that I cried were full of pain. After I submitted the interview however, I felt EMPOWERED and PROUD to share Peyton's story and my journey after loss... that is when I cried my latest set of healing tears.

Recently, I began teaching swim lessons again. Something that I was just not able to do after Peyton's death. I teach mainly Mini (baby) Classes, which was something I so badly wanted to do, but was sure I would not be able to emotionally do. Surprisingly, this has been the most HEALING piece in my journey of life after loss. There are babies that are the same age Peyton would be in my classes... and they bring me JOY!

The purpose of this post is to give you a glimpse into my absolutely BEAUTIFUL journey of life after loss... to share my healing tears and healing experiences with you. My daughter died and for some reason I survived her death. Then, I survived her birth. And after that I survived her funeral. For months after I found myself "surviving" or "getting through" another day. And then, I found myself living... truly living... for the first time in my entire life.

A quote I merely glimpsed, after Peyton passed away, now means so much to me: "It is the deepest pain that empowers you to grow into your highest self."

The pain from Peyton's death is with me always. But that pain has brought so much GOOD into my life that it is hard to concentrate on only the pain. I look back at who I was before I became pregnant with Peyton; before I became a baby loss Mom... I am such a better person for knowing Peyton, for being her Mom.



I would like to share a song that I listen to nearly every day - a song that I feel explains the reason for healing tears and healing experiences. Peyton is my bluebird.

I hope it brings you the hope and peace that it constantly brings me.

Stillbirth: Death, Birth, Certification of Birth, and Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth Certificates

Matt and I were first time parents when Peyton was born. We had little knowledge of what it took to be some one's parent let alone where to begin in planning a baby's funeral and memorializing their life. We were lucky to have our parents and Nurses take the lead in contacting the funeral home, Pastor John Hite, and Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and assist in filling out hospital paper work. At the time, and even now, it was not something I could have even thought of, let alone actually do.

I remember at some point after Peyton's birth my Mom coming into my room with a Nurse and handing me a clipboard with several papers attached to it. They tried their hardest not to tell me what the pre filled out paper work was for, but I knew. It was for Peyton's death certificate. I looked at my Mom questionably waiting for some sort of explanation. Peyton was born. I labored and birthed her over the course of twenty hours. She lived. And yes, I understand she did die. But, first she lived.

In order to die you must first be alive. And Peyton was alive. She was very much alive. More alive than I will ever be again. 

My Mom and the Nurse explained to me however, that I would not receive a birth certificate. But why? I know Peyton lived. She loved to place her feet in my ribs and push out towards my belly with her tiny hands. She loved to do somersaults when she heard her Daddy's voice. She constantly was punching my stomach, making me toss my dinner. She had a HEARTBEAT... a beautiful and strong heartbeat. And then, she did not.

I was told that in order to receive a birth certificate you must be a live birth. And I understand that, though I do not agree with it. Peyton died inside of me while attached to me by the umbilical cord.... a part of me died; yet I am still considered alive. Maybe I think too much in depth about things, but it did not make sense to me then and it does not make sense to me now. 

Almost immediately following Peyton's death I became addicted to researching how I could preserve my daughter's life... anything that I could get my hands on that said she was indeed ALIVE, I needed. I promised myself I would stop at nothing.

In my research I discovered that some states have something called a MISSing Angels Bill. To watch the video for the bill please follow this link - http://www.missingangelsbill.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=76&Itemid=61. Ohio is not one of those states. Ohio does offer a Certification of Birth, which was once called a Certificate of Stillbirth. It is a document that states your baby was indeed born, but is vastly different than a Birth Certificate and a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. I am currently working on a petition to help pass the MISSing Angels Bill in Ohio. Please look for that in the future. Anyways, in order to file for the Certification of Birth you must have a copy of the death certificate and it must be on file with the Department of Vital Statistics. Though the cost of a Fetal Death Certificate is $21.50, a Certification of Birth is free.

Peyton was born deceased on November 17, 2012. The paper work for her death certificate was submitted by Matt and I, and Maryann, from the funeral home, immediately. The OB that followed me through my pregnancy and his partner, who delivered me, however, did not submit their portion of the paper work for the death certificate. Maryann would call me weekly to see if I had heard anything from the OB's office concerning the death certificate. I left message after message for the two OB's, but never received a phone call back. Maryann also attempted to contact the OB's office several times. After thirteen long weeks, I decided to call the OB's office one last time and let them know if I did not receive the death certificate in a timely matter (the funeral home told us that death certificates usually take a week to fill out and file, and families usually receive the certificate at the funeral) that I would seek legal counsel. The receptionist I spoke with for the umpteenth time informed me that I would hear from someone by the end of the day. No one returned my phone call that day, or even the next day. I waited another three days and called back, stating the same thing. Still, no one returned my phone call.

The two OB's were with University Hospitals, but because of my insurance I delivered at Hillcrest Hospital, a part of Cleveland Clinic. I decided that it would be best to get into contact with the President of Hillcrest Hospital vs. someone at University Hospitals because we had a wonderful experience with Hillcrest and we delivered at their facility. They also conducted Peyton's autopsy and other examinations at the Cleveland Clinic Main Campus. When I called Hillcrest's information desk I asked to be directly transferred to the President's voicemail. I left a very nice but firm message, and within an hour I received a call back. He personally told me that he was going to transfer me over to someone who would be able to walk through the rest of this process with me, but if that I did not have the certificate in my hands by Monday to call him back.

The woman I spoke to was in contact with Maryann and the OB's office that day. The death certificate was filed on Wednesday February 27, 2013. Maryann called us that Friday and informed us we could pick the certificate up from the funeral home in the morning. On Saturday March 2, 2013, after fifteen long weeks, the death certificate was in MY hands.

I mailed the paper work for the Certification of Birth to the Columbus, Ohio Department of Vital Statistics on Monday March 4, 2013. About a month later I received a letter denying my request for a Certification of Birth because the death certificate was not on file. I immediately called the Columbus office and left a message asking for more of an explanation. After faxing a copy of the death certificate I was told to expect something in the mail within the next few weeks. On May 2, 2013 I received Peyton's Certification of Birth in the mail. It was the happiest moment I have had since we lost our sweet Peyton, but I believe that when the MISSing Angels Bill is passed in Ohio I will be even happier. I will stop at nothing.

If you or someone you know has lost a baby to stillbirth and want to file for a Certification of Birth with the State of Ohio the following links will help you do so. If you have any questions, need any guidance, plea or would like to help with bringing the MISSing Angels Bill to Ohio please email me directly at jredarowicz@gmail.com.

http://dispatchpolitics.dispatch.com/content/blogs/the-daily-briefing/2013/04/4-25-13-stillbirth.html (This short article states the change in Certificate of Stillbirth to Certification of Birth. AWESOME!)

http://www.odh.ohio.gov/vitalstatistics/vitalmisc/fetaldth.aspx (Information on Fetal Death Certificate and Certification of Birth.)

http://www.odh.ohio.gov/~/media/ODH/ASSETS/Files/vs/general/applicationform.ashx (This is the form you will need to print and fill out for the certificate.)

http://www.missingangelsbill.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=76&Itemid=61 (Information on the MISSing Angels Bill & video.)

Two Are Better Than One

It's been over seven months since we said hello and goodbye to our baby girl. We are currently twenty-two weeks and two days pregnant with our rainbow baby, Matthew Jr. On October 15th we will have an amniocentesis  to check on baby Matty's lungs. If his lungs are fully developed I will be induced immediately. We will be thirty-seven weeks. That means that we have a little less than fifteen weeks left in our pregnancy. When I deliver I will have been pregnant for nearly twenty months straight.

Quite often people will tell me things like "I don't know how you do it..." and "You are so strong! I couldn't go through what you did and become pregnant again...". The truth is though that I am not alone in this journey. Not only do I have a wonderful support system that consists of our families and friends, but I have a wonderful man walking next to me in this journey of life after loss. Although Matt and I grieve completely different, he is my rock; my strength. Today I would like to share with you how wonderful of a partner and Father, Matt is. And how lucky I am to be walking, sometimes crawling, this journey with him.

 As much as I would like to say that Peyton was a planned pregnancy, she was not. Both Matt and I did not see children in our future and when we found out I was pregnant we were both very hesitant and scared. Matt immediately stepped up to the plate however and within days he was naming off baby names. At first he was dead set on the name "Alvin" (how ridiculous?). Though a baby was not in our plans we fell so deeply in love with the little being that was growing inside of me... we were so thankful to be expecting such a gift. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

In June of 2012 we had our twenty week anatomy ultrasound. We went into the appointment with Matt hoping for a baby boy, and myself just "feeling" that we were having a girl. When the ultrasound technician said "It's a GIRL!" Matt broke into tears (to this day I still think he secretly was hoping for a girl). Matt loved the name Peyton, and I loved that he wanted to be so involved with every detail of my pregnancy... and so our baby girl had a name. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

In August we began registering for our baby shower. Matt and my brother in law Michael went with me to Babies R Us. Matt had full control of the hand scanner, and him and Michael were racing all over the store as I trailed behind. At one point I found them by the crib bedding. They both decided on a purple themed monkey set, and because they loved it so much I agreed. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

Matt was so supportive throughout my entire pregnancy... it was our pregnancy. And we grew so much
stronger as a couple because of it. But it wasn't until November, when the triage nurse told us that our thirty-nine week baby girl no longer had a heart beat and that I would have to deliver her, that I truly felt the strength of our relationship and the love that Matt has for me. Our lives and dreams were shattered that night, and we were left to rebuild a new life and new dreams together. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

When I was in labor I was not allowed to eat or drink anything and since I had not eaten anything since lunch the day before, I was starving. On Saturday evening Matt sneaked into the Labor and Delivery Family Kitchen and grabbed a grape popsicle from the freezer. He stuffed it deep into his pocket and nonchalantly walked back to our room. I laid in my hospital bed as I watched him pull a grape popsicle from his pant pocket. I could not stop laughing. He stole a popsicle for me... a popsicle! And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

Our first full day home from the hospital was Monday November 19th. We spent about five hours at Target that day and another two hours at our local CVS. Then Tuesday, we went back to Target. And Wednesday, after having a private viewing of Peyton with our immediate family, we went back to Target yet again. If Thursday had not of been Thanksgiving, we probably would have spent our day at Target. Although Matt despises shopping and my love for Target & CVS, he went because I could not bare to be at home. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

Throughout December, January, and February we met with Dr. Kalan, a High Risk Maternal and Fetal Medicine Gynecologist and Obstetrician, several times. Matt and I had hand chosen her from every Obstetrician available to us in Northeast Ohio. Though Matt loved Dr. Kalan instantly, I did not. But he insisted that I would love her too. And he was right. At our appointments Dr. Kalan discussed Peyton's autopsy, genetic testing, my mental health, and bringing a breathing baby into this world in the future. In January, Matt and I decided that we were ready to try to conceive. Dr. Kalan informed us that it may not happen right away, but for us to stay positive. How was I supposed to stay positive? We were supposed to have a baby already... and I so desperately needed to be pregnant again. To say the least I was stressed, and my anxiety was at an all time high. When we did not get pregnant during our first month of trying, Matt began singing "I wanna get you pregnant", part of a song by R. Kelly, to me. It was just this small thing, but it meant so much to me. I realized that even if we did not get pregnant this month, or within the next six months, or even the next year, we would have our own little family one day. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

In February, after my ovulation day, I instantly felt pregnant. I began testing on Tuesday February 19th. Every day the test would read negative and each day Matt would remind me how much he loved me and the family that we already have... the family that included Peyton. And then on Tuesday February 26th, I woke up extra early before Matt's alarm clock even went off for work. My period was due that morning, so I knew this would probably be the last pregnancy test I took for the rest of the month. I counted to one-hundred-and-twenty in my head, and when I looked at the test I was blown away to see TWO PINK LINES. I ran upstairs to our bedroom and jumped on the bed, similarly to a child jumping on their parents bed on Christmas morning, Matt then half asleep. I whispered in his ear "Guess what?" and he responded "Huhh?" in a very scary morning voice. It was such a relief to tell him "We're pregnant!" He was in total shock. Ironically, when I accepted that becoming pregnant again may take time, we got pregnant on my very next cycle. During my lunch break that day Matt sent me a text message that read "I love you. Make sure you eat lunch, you're eating for two now. I love you both." When we finally went to bed that evening Matt kissed my belly and then my forehead, and then reminding me that whatever happened he would always be here for me. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

The past two years have been filled with the unexpected for Matt and I, and I believe because we have not given up on one another is the reason why we are the couple we are today. It would have been so easy for Matt to walk away when I learned I was pregnant with Peyton... but instead he chose to be pregnant with me, and support me in every way he could. It would have been so easy for Matt to walk away after we lost our daughter... but instead he chose to rebuild our life together and create new dreams with me. And it would have been so easy for Matt to walk away from the idea of having a family with me... but instead he chose to take the risk; he chose hope. I love my Matthew so very much, and am so grateful every morning and every night that he is the one who walks this journey of life after loss with me. There is no one else I would like to share this tragic, yet completely beautiful life with. And I believe that is what love is truly all about.

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. 

-- Ecclesiastes, 4:9-12

All She Knew Was Love

Emotionally I am exhausted.

Mentally I feel borderline psychotic.

Physically my body is weak.

We are in our 17th week of pregnancy with baby Matty. As the days turn into weeks the harder it becomes to accept that baby Matty could never and will never be my sweet Peyton, but instead is another sweet and beautiful baby that I love with everything I have.

Part of me believes that I am betraying Peyton... that loving Matty is taking away from my love for Peyton. I remind myself everyday that I love both of my babies, and that loving Matty could never take away from my love for Peyton. But the idea is still there. It won't go away.

I have been struggling more lately. Break downs, flashbacks, and guilt consume almost every aspect of my life.

Part of me looks forward to breaking down - to crying for hours on end - to forgetting every part of my life, except for Peyton.

On my weakest days I open her memory box. I pull out her diamond earrings and imagine how beautiful they would have looked on her. I hold her red bag of ashes in my hand. I open up the zip-lock bag that keeps her "Mommy's Cupcake" outfit safe, and hold her clothes to my nose... they still smell like her. Sometimes, I open up the long oak chest that holds nearly every piece of my pregnancy with Peyton and her death. I love laying out her sparkly funeral dress, and remembering how beautiful she looked in it. I enjoy reading through our baby shower cards, and looking at some of the decorations we saved from our special day.


But after a break down, after the flashbacks stop flipping through my mind like a picture book, after the tears stop pouring from my eyes, after the numbness of death and loss consumes my entire being, and after I place her belongings back into her memory box and oak chest I always have the same thought, "All she ever knew was love".

There is nothing truer in this world. Peyton was loved her entire life. Peyton is still so very loved.

When Matt and I decided to start trying to conceive another baby this Winter we weighed the pro's and con's. We ultimately decided we were ready. For most of my pregnancy however I have felt as if we should have waited a year or two longer. This week I have learned that my new pregnancy is actually a very needed  piece of my journey of life after loss. Through my pregnancy with Matty I have learned how deep my love for Peyton truly is.

When we decided to become pregnant again our motto became "A new baby will not replace Peyton, but a new baby will fill our empty arms." Nearly half way through our pregnancy after loss, that motto has become only partially true. Matty will not replace Peyton; that statement is very true. Yet, while Matty will fill our empty arms physically, emotionally our arms will always yearn to hold both Peyton and Matty together. We will never be given a chance to do so.

Though we are struggling, we have a very beautiful life and are thankful for being given the gift of being Peyton and Matty's parents.

On Saturday May 18th we learned that our Rainbow Baby is a BOY!!!

Matty's official name is Matthew John Jr. We are overjoyed and cannot wait to welcome our little man into this world in October.

This life may not be what we expected, but we are so grateful to be where we are today.

Parent's of Two and NILMDTS Fundraiser

Parent's of Two

How could a Mother confuse her current pregnancy with the pregnancy of her deceased baby?

I wish I did not have to constantly ask myself that question. But I have to, nearly every day.

From the moment we first learned that we were expecting our Rainbow Baby, I have felt as if I am pregnant with Peyton all over again. I find myself having conversations with my sub-conscious; reminding myself that though Peyton and this new baby are connected, they are two different beings... two different souls... two different pregnancies. 

Sometimes I call the new baby by Peyton's name. Not only do I feel embarrassed when I do that, but I feel as if I am dishonoring our sweet Peyton. Many people smile off my "mix-up", and simply change the topic. But I cannot seem to forget that I frequently make this mistake that easily. I cannot forget it at all.

Matt and I picked out names in the beginning of March for the new baby. If a boy, we decided on Grayson John. Grayson for Peyton's middle name, Grace, and John for Matt's middle name, and both of our Father's names. If a girl, we decided on Abigail Grace. Abigail was one of the only names we could agree on. Grace would be the new baby's middle name after Peyton's middle name, which is also my middle name - It come from my Great-Grandma's first name. 

I so desperately needed to have a permanent name for the new baby, so I could begin to separate this pregnancy from my pregnancy with Peyton. Grayson and Abigail were nothing alike, and so they began to seem less fitting. 

Matt reminds me of Peyton so much. When I am near him, I feel closest to Peyton. I think I will feel that way about him even more as our family continues to grow in the next several years. And then, out of the blue, it hit me... baby Matty.

Matt's face lit up when I recommended that we name the baby after him, whether a boy or a girl. If a boy, the baby will be Matthew John Jr., and if a girl, the baby will be Matison (my "Matt" version of Madison) Grace. The baby's nickname, either way, will be baby Matty. 

We are parent's of two very loved babies. A beautiful girl, Peyton Grace, who earned her wings much too early, and a Rainbow Baby, Matty, who will be our Earthly baby.

I am far from grateful that we will not be given the opportunity to watch our babies grow-up together, but I am very blessed to be both Peyton and Matty's Mom. 

Fundraiser in Honor of Peyton Grace, Benefiting the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Organization

On Saturday April 27th Matt and I hosted our first fundraiser in honor of our beautiful baby girl. All proceeds benefited the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Organization (NILMDTS). NILMDTS offers free photography for families facing the untimely death of an infant. We were served by NILMDTS the morning following Peyton's birth.

Marti, a volunteer photographer, photographed Peyton and our family. We received the pictures a week later in the mail, along with a beautiful DVD of pictures set to music. 

Marti's pictures have allowed me to memorize Peyton's face... the exact placement of her ears, the dip in her nose, the crease of her chin. There are no words for how much that means to Matt and I.

We felt this overwhelming need to give back to NILMDTS, which led to us holding a fundraiser to help with the financial needs of a non-profit organization. 

The fundraiser was AMAZING! Our goal was to raised $1,500 for NILMDTS. We were shocked to learn that we raised $2,743 in Peyton's name! How awesome is that? We will be depositing the money into the bank on Saturday morning, and then we will certify mail a check for $2,743 to NILMDTS Headquarters in Colorado.

We also collected 109 children's books. Sunday evening Matt and I loaded up the car with the big box of books and ventured to Hillcrest Hospital Pediatric ER. They knew we were coming with a book donation, but when they saw how big the box was they were overwhelmed with happiness! They had not received a book donation in over 2 years, so it was truly AWESOME to see their faces light up. Hillcrest Hospital was so good to us when we delivered our daughter, and we are so thankful that we were able to give back in some way. 

I want to thank our family for helping us the evening of the fundraiser, ensuring that everything went smoothly.Matt and I love you all so much, and are so thankful for your help. We would also like to thank Cori for all of her hard work in collecting so many great donations for the Chinese Raffle. You are such a beautiful person inside and out! Lastly, I would like to thank Marti, our NILMDTS photographer, and her husband Lou, for photographing our event and for being a part of NILMDTS. We are forever grateful that our lives have intersected.

Expecting The Rest of Our Lives, Again

The impending arrival of our Miss Peyton filled a missing piece in our lives that we once did not even know was missing.

Matt and I often talked about the sports she would play. Would she play hockey like Matt, or be a swimmer like me? Would her Grandpa and Uncle Steve coach her T-Ball Team? Would she be in marching band like her Uncle Mikey? Would she take us by total surprise and take up ballet? We knew that whatever she decided she wanted to do, she would be great at.

We day dreamed of the family trips we would take. We included Peyton in our summer vacation plans. We even bought her a swim suit and sunglasses for the time we would spend at the pool and beach, while on vacation. We started to plan a trip to Disney, for the fall of 2015, when Peyton would be turning three years old.

We had babysitters in place for when I was at work and school. My Granny would watch Peyton on Mondays and Thursdays. Matt's Dad would have Peyton on Wednesdays. My Mom would take Peyton on her day off during the week - usually a Tuesday or a Friday. Peyton's Great-Grandma would keep her on the days we did not have a sitter in place. Everyone was so excited to have their own special days with Peyton and looked forward to the quality time they would spend with her.

We were not just expecting a baby, we were expecting the rest of our lives.

We did not just lose our daughter, we lost our future with her too. She will never say "I love you, Daddy!" or  have an imaginary friend. Peyton will never play hockey, splash her feet in a pool, play catch with her Grandpa, play the clarinet, or wear a pair of ballet slippers. Peyton will never go on vacation with us, nor will she meet Minnie Mouse and Mickey. She will never spend quality time with her Gi-Gi, Grandpa, Grandma, or Great Grandma.

As painful as it is to live our life without Peyton, we still want that life.

We want to be happy. We need to be happy.

No baby could ever, or would ever replace our sweet Peyton. For our own sanity however, we need our empty arms to be filled. Another baby, we believe, will fill that void in our lives.

Maybe we are wrong to want another baby so soon, but this is our life, and I think it's okay.

After every storm there is a rainbow that illuminates the clouds and brings the color back into what was once previously a gray and stormy sky. The beauty of the rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm, but instead offers the promise of brighter times ahead. It is for this reason that a baby who is born after a loss is often referred to as a "Rainbow Baby".


We began "trying" in January, after we took a weekend getaway to re-group and spend some quality time together. After two cycles of "trying" we learned we were indeed pregnant with our Rainbow Baby. We conceived on Valentine's Day, and I truly believe that Peyton sprinkled us with her love that day (along with baby dust, of course)!

We are currently 9 weeks and 4 days pregnant, with an estimated due date of November 6th 2013 (just 11 days before Peyton's 1st Birthday)! Our OB, who we love, will be inducing me in October however, between our 36th and 37th week of pregnancy. I have my fingers crossed for an inducement date of Tuesday October 15th 2013. October 15th is not only Matt's Grandpas' Birthday, but it is also Infant Loss Remembrance Day. For me, October 15th will be a day of HOPE. I could not imagine a more fitting birthday date for our Rainbow Baby.

There are days when we still feel like we are in the middle of the storm that stillbirth brings, but we are now dreaming of our Rainbow who we will be holding in our arms in October.

We saw our OB, Dr. Kalan, who is a Maternal and Fetal Medicine High Risk OB, on March 21st. She told us she had been thinking of us, and was actually going to give us a call until she realized I already had an appointment with her. She was so happy for us! When we first met her in December, I was very hesitant about her. But now, I LOVE her. She is thorough, and honest. And most of all, I trust her.

She ordered some blood work, and we received an ultrasound. It was so amazing to see our Peanut's little heart flickering away on the ultrasound screen. It was a very beautiful moment. Peanut's heartbeat was 143bpm, which we were assured was strong and right where it should be.

A little less than 2 weeks later I realized that our Peanut's heartbeat held a very important message. In July of  2011, my oldest brother, Danny, was shot and killed. Danny would often text his family and friends the number "143". 1 stood for I, 4 for LOVE, and 3 for YOU. I know in my heart Danny and Peyton were with us during Peanut's ultrasound, and that they are happy for us.

For now, I am happy. We have seen our Peanut's heartbeat which lowers our chance of miscarriage to less than 2%. I know that stress and worry will come in our third trimester, and as we near our inducement date. We WILL bring our baby home this time. I am choosing HOPE. Maybe I am crazy to be so optimistic after the type of loss we have suffered, but it is the only thing I can think to do.

We are so happy to be making Peyton a big sister, and to be expecting the rest of our lives, again.

Loving My Stretch Marks

Most people do not realize that though we did not get to take our baby home, we still had to deal with the "postpartum mess", on top of planning a funeral and navigating through the first few weeks of this journey.

I had contractions for the first few days. I bled for seven LONG weeks. I was sore to the point that I literally felt as if someone had actually ran my body over with a semi-truck. My milk came in and for two months I leaked non-stop. And, as my body slowly returned to it's pre-pregnancy size, I realized I had stretch marks. Tons of them!

Though three months following Peyton's delivery I weighed 10lbs less than my original pre-pregnancy weight, I found myself suffering from extreme body image issues. I felt as if I had no reason to look as if I had just given birth, if my arms were so empty. 

Not only were my arms empty, but my body was empty. My skin resembled a deflated pool float that was accidentally left on the pool deck during a summer lightening storm.

I felt cold and hollow... I was cold and hollow.

I needed something, anything, to prove to me that my pregnancy with Peyton was real, and that though my arms and body were empty, my life was not.

It was then that I decided to accept my stretch marks, and my hatred towards my stretch marks became my favorite love story.

My stretch marks were once red, like fire. They have since began to fade. Now, they are white, and in certain lighting they even shine. They are my constant reminder of Peyton's life. Each mark represents the thirty-nine weeks I carried her, her chubby cheeks, each finger and each toe. They remind me of her tiny hands, her button nose, and her ruby red lips. They are my stripes, my stretch marks, my battle scars. I EARNED them. I am PROUD of them. They mean that Peyton was once here. They connect me to her. 

And though I may not look sixteen in my teeny polka dot bikini, I will rock my stretch marks for everyone to see because my arms, body, and life are full of beauty.

Our New Normal

Lately, I have found it so hard to write. Some days I think it's because I do not have enough of the right words. And when I do, I feel like I cannot grasp my thoughts tight enough into a single blog. But other days, like today, I think it's because I'm too happy... too happy to write about life after loss... too happy to be a baby loss Mom.

Most of you are probably thinking to yourself "What is wrong with being happy?" Some days I ask myself that same question.

But in those first two months after Peyton's death, I was so numb... I was completely consumed in our loss. I felt so close to Peyton. Her death was so fresh then that it was like an open wound. And now, it's starting to heal.

I question myself daily if the emotions I am feeling are normal. If it's okay that I'm not broken into a million little pieces. If it's okay that I smile... that I laugh... that I'm happy. I always come to the same conclusion however. Yes, it is okay. This journey that I am on is my journey, and the emotions that I feel are strictly normal for me.

Over the past several weeks Matt and I have grown so much. We are a stronger couple. I love him so much more than I could have ever imagined. We have mainly good days. We talk about Peyton without full blown tears. We talk about the future.

And so, I believe that Matt and I have reached a new step in our journey. A step that other baby loss parents have shared with us - Living a New Normal.

We will never be who we were before we lost Peyton. We miss Peyton with every bit of our hearts, and we wish every day that she were here with us. We see life with new eyes. We appreciate every laugh, every sunrise, and every I Love You. We are not consumed in grief and sadness, though we are sad. We have accepted that Peyton died, but we will never be okay with her death. We have begun to weave Peyton's death into our life together, creating this new normal.

In our new normal we are content. We are happy. We are sad. We miss Peyton. We look forward to our future, yet we are so content with the presence.

In our new normal we have a daughter. And she died. But her life did not end.

In our new normal Peyton's life is still very much alive. She lives on through Matt, myself, and our family. She is in every breath we breathe... every laugh we laugh... every smile we beam. She lives when her name is spoken, when her picture is looked at with a tearful smile, when she is simply thought of. She is here with us every second of every day.

I know this blog is short today, but I feel like I said everything that I needed to with just the right words.

To the right you will find a music video taken from Youtube. It is a song that I listen to every day. It's called "Beam Me Up" by Pink.

I hope you find the piece of happiness that I find in it each and every day.

Thank you for reading and being a part of our journey... our beautiful and sometimes happy life after loss.

Peter Pan

Peter Pan.

All along, it's been Peter Pan. Maybe that is my answer. Or maybe I am truly a crazed, grieving Mother who is willing to grasp onto any idea that her baby is still with her, in some shape and/or form. I'll go with the upper hand and say that it's just Peter Pan.

I bought Peyton the book "Peter Pan" (my absolute favorite book and movie) a week before she was born. Inside I wrote her the following note:

"When I was a little girl I always wanted to be Peter Pan - the boy who never grows up. I did grow up... but swimming is the next best thing! It's harmony and balance - the water is my sky. I hope you fall in love with a passion. I hope you find your own harmony and balance in this world... Love Always, Mommy"

Once we bought Peyton's urn, or as I like to call - memory box, I placed the Peter Pan book under it so that the book would always be with her.

Maybe it is just coincidental that this story has always been my favorite - that it has always had a special place in my heart. And maybe it is just coincidental that I was walking through Wal-Mart one day, picking up last minute baby things, and just happened to see the book out of the corner of my eye.

But I think it is a sign... a small, yet big, hello from heaven. It makes complete and total sense to me.

The Peter Pan character is based off of James Barries older brother who died as a young boy, and therefore always stayed a young boy in his Mother's mind. Peter is sometimes characterized at various ages, but never growing older than puberty. It is thought that each time he leaves Never Never Land to go to the "Real World" he ages a bit.

In short, Peter Pan is a charming and charismatic child who wishes to never grow up, and to always have fun. He can fly and teaches other children how to fly too! He has a strong sense of justice, and always wants to help those in danger. He lives on an island called Never Never Land. In Never Never Land Peter is the captain of the "Lost Boys" (a group of boys who were lost by their parents) whom he leads on thrilling adventures with Pirates, Indians, Mermaids, Fairies, and Wild Beasts. Yet Peter longs for a Mother. Peter does not know his parents. He left them when he was an infant. He manages to entice a little girl (whom he wishes to be his Mother), Wendy, to leave her home and follow him, with her two brothers, to Never Never Land. Eventually, Wendy must leave Never Never Land and grow up. But in the place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming, Peter is always there waiting for Wendy. Peter visits Wendy throughout her life, though she cannot see him, and listens to the stories she tells of him.

Peyton is my very own Peter Pan. She left us when she was just a baby, and she will forever be a little girl... our little girl.

For the first month after Peyton's death I had a recurring dream. In the dream I took Peyton home with us from the hospital, and hid her. I refused to let her leave me. I do not have that dream anymore. Instead, I wake up in the morning knowing I dreamed of her... but no specific details. And I'm okay with that because I know she will ALWAYS be in that place between sleep and awake... she will always be there waiting for me.

I hope Peyton is in Never Never Land, taking thrilling adventures with Pirates and Mermaids. I hope she plays, and laughs, and does all the things little girls do. I hope she is never lonely, for she will always have a Mother and a Father. I hope she remembers Matt and I, for we will never forget her. I hope she visits us throughout our life, and listens to the stories we will tell of her. And I truly hope that when we are blessed with a little brother or sister of Peyton's, that she visits them and takes them on an adventure to Never Never Land, just like Peter took Wendy.

Second star to the right... and straight on till morning.

Results of the Autopsy

Reality

Peyton would be 12 weeks old Saturday. She would be smiling, babbling, and possibly holding her arms out when Matt or I would have gone to pick her up. Her pretty purple hamper would be filled with pink and purple laundry. I would have pretty bows and headbands to put in Peyton's full head of dark brown hair, sitting in a basket on my vanity. Matt would be putting together Peyton's Baby Einstein Neptune Activity Saucer this week. I was so excited to receive it as a gift at our Baby Shower (it wasn't on our registry), and I gave Matt such a problem about packing it away in the closet (the recommended age for the saucer is 3+ months). I remember Matt telling me, "We'll pull it out in February... it'll go by quick!"

Reality is that my heart hurts so, so bad. Some days the pain takes my breath away (literally), and I feel like I am sure to go into cardiac arrest at any second. Most days though I daydream of life in a parallel universe. A universe where Peyton was born with a heart beat. A universe in which I am consumed in complete and utter happiness.

Reality is though that Peyton is not here. She is not smiling, babbling, or holding her arms out for Matt and I. Her hamper is packed away, and so are her articles of pretty pink and purple clothing. There is no basket of bows and headbands sitting on my vanity. And the Neptune Activity Saucer sits in the closet with the rest of Peyton's belongings.

Reality is that it has been almost 12 weeks since Peyton was born and entered into eternal rest. 12 weeks since we held our precious baby girl in our arms for the first and last times. 12 weeks since we had to say hello and goodbye in the same sentence. 12 weeks since we learned what love truly is and what it is like to really have your heart broken.

Reality is that we are just beginning this life long journey.

Cholestasis of Pregnancy

In my 34th week of pregnancy I began to itch intensely on my wrists, fingers, ankles, and the soles of my feet. At first I thought it was eczema but after a few days the itching got so bad that I was tearing my skin up and bleeding. I wasn't able to fall asleep at night either. After some research I learned of a condition called "Cholestasis of Pregnancy".

In the short, Cholestasis of Pregnancy is a condition where the flow of bile is either slowed or stopped, over flowing into your bloodstream and causes an intense itch.

I presented the condition of Cholestasis to my OB. He wrote me a prescription for benadryl for the itching, and insisted that there was no risk. After a week of taking benadryl, the itching was getting worse. I called my OB and insisted on blood work to test the level of bile salts in my bloodstream. He ordered blood work, but never did order the specific test for bile salts. At my next OB visit he told me my blood work was elevated but nothing to worry about. I asked if I should be induced because of the risk of stillbirth with Cholestasis. His words, word for word were "You have to look at the population as a whole, it's such a small percentage... you have a greater chance of walking out of here today and getting hit by a bus!"

After that appointment I sat in the car crying and crying. I contemplated on finding a new OB, but I wouldn't have gotten an appointment until after my due date.

I knew the itching was not right. But no one would listen to me. Not a single person.

There is not much information or research on why Cholestasis causes stillbirth.

In my heart I hope that the Cholestasis had nothing to do with Peyton's death... it's something we may never know for sure though.

The Autopsy

Today Matt and I met with our new OB to consult about Peyton's Final Anatomic Diagnosis.

Peyton had a subgaleal brain hemorrhage and thrombosis of the umbilical vein and proximal umbilical cord. However, the gross and microscopic findings suggest "subacute abruptio placentae" which led to meconium release and increased circulating nucleated red blood cells to be "at least" a contributing cause of Peyton's death.

What does all that mean exactly?

Peyton had a brain hemorrhage. Our OB suggests that it most likely happened in reaction to Peyton's death (meaning that it happened after she passed, and did not cause her any pain). Peyton had several blood clots in the umbilical cord and the maternal section of the placenta. Blood was built up behind the placenta. The placenta also had a concealed abruption which probably happened over the course of a few days to a week. Since there was an abruption it can be inferred that Peyton's body began producing extra red blood cells because of a lack of oxygen or nutrients from the placenta. The placenta detaching led to meconium release.

The placenta abruption is most likely the cause of Peyton's death. Right now we do not know what caused that abruption. We may never know.

Our OB is going to present our case to a Pathologist in Pittsburgh, and another Doctor, who both have a bit of experience with fetal deaths caused by Cholestasis. We hope they can help give us some more answers.

The Future

Our OB maintained the idea during our appointment today that she cannot give us the definite answers of why this happened. There are many pieces that are missing, or that just don't make sense.

She reassured us though that in any future pregnancies many precautions will be taken.

For one, if the itching reoccurs and/or persists my bile salts will be monitored and repeatedly tested. She will perform regular Non-Stress Tests. And at 36 weeks gestation, she will perform an amniocentesis to check the baby's lung development. If the baby's lungs are fully developed, I will be delivered immediately. She also reassured us that I will not go over 37 weeks gestation in any subsequent pregnancies.

Though we do not know why this happened to Peyton, I feel good knowing that we have an OB whom is willing to plan the future with us... who cares!

Hope

When I personally reviewed Peyton's Autopsy last week I was given a sense of "hope". I learned that Peyton had dark brown eyes, which she most likely inherited from Matthew's Mom.

When we were discharged from the Hospital on November 18th, Matt and I told one another how much we wish we had known what color eyes Peyton had.

We know now though. And if that is the only answer I am ever given, I think I'll be okay.
.

I Would Choose You

If I could...

If I could, I would go back in time. I would go back to the beginning, to the night you were conceived... to the day I first saw your heart beat on the ultrasound screen, to the day I first felt you kick. I would submerge myself into your life... the entire 39wks I carried you. I would photograph my pregnancy with you more. I would take time off of work so I could enjoy my pregnancy more with you. I would keep a diary for you. I would ask for a recording of your heartbeat... your perfect, strong heartbeat (the ultrasound technician repeatedly told us that we had a "good heart baby"). If I could, I would go back in time, and I would still choose you. I would choose you again and again, even if that meant we would still lose you.

I would relive the pain of hearing the words "There is no heartbeat...", and feel my world crash to pieces again, if that meant I could be in your presence for just a second.

I would labor and birth you just the same. I would be the first to hold you. I would hold you longer. I would kiss you just one more time, and maybe a time after that.

I would insist on going with you, while you were transferred to The Cleveland Clinic Main Campus for your Autopsy. I would go through the pain of your Funeral again and again. I would gather the strength to read a poem at your Service. I would sit with you alone. I would be there when they burned your body down to ashes.

I would choose you, Peyton, time and time again because you chose me.

Updates

I called the Pathologist's Office this past week. The Pathologist that performed Peytons' Autopsy cannot give us a date of when the report will be finished. I have been in contact with my new OB/GYN (she will review the Autopsy and Placenta Report with us) and she has talked to the Pathologist also and was told that the report should be finished in "two weeks or so...". She is sure that we will know something by the end of this next week. I hope she is right.

Matthew and I are planning to do a fundraiser in memory of Peyton benefiting The Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Organization, in April. I am excited to do this fundraiser, and to give back to NILMDTS... they have given us such a priceless gift that I do not even know where to begin to thank them. I think the fundraiser will be a start. I will keep everyone updated on the fundraiser date (I am thinking April 13th, but it is not set in stone just yet), time, location, and etc. through my facebook page, email, and this blog. If anyone is interested in helping in any way, shape, and/or form please let me know.

Tomorrow morning Matt and I begin an 8wk support group session through Cornerstone of Hope. I hope to connect with other couples whom have been through a loss similar to ours. I think the support group will be good for us.

Lastly, to those of you that are following our story, thank you from the depths of my heart.

Waiting on the Autopsy & Strength

Waiting on the Autopsy

On Wednesday November 14th we saw the OB. Peyton's heartbeat was good & strong, and I was dilated & effaced. We were told that we would have Peyton before our due date, November 24th, and that the weekend i.e. the 17th or 18th would be ideal. We left the OB's office that day ecstatic. We went to lunch with Matthew's parents, we called my Mom at work, and then we went to Target to purchase Peyton a 2nd snowsuit. We then went home and enjoyed just being together, and the impending arrival of our sweet baby girl. What we did not know was that we would have Peyton that weekend, we just wouldn't be able to take her home.

When Peyton was born there were no "visible" abnormalities or signs of what may have caused her death. Her cord was not twisted or pinched, nor was it wrapped around any of her extremities (which could cut off oxygen and blood flow). The placenta looked good. And Peyton looked absolutely perfect. The Doctor that delivered Peyton told Matt, myself, and our family that we would need to wait 4-6wks for results from an autopsy.

4-6wks is 42 days at the maximum, which should have given us the results of the autopsy by December 29th. At first I could not imagine waiting 42 whole days, but somehow we passed the time.

Since I had not heard anything from the Pathologists office or the OB who delivered Peyton, I called just to check on the status of the autopsy on December 19th. I was told to check back in 2wks if I did not hear from anyone, and that it should be completed by then.

I waited 3wks to call back. I figured with the Holidays that they may have gotten a bit behind. I called on January 9th, and was told that the autopsy was still not completed. I was told to call back in another 2wks if I did not hear from the Pathologists office or the OB that delivered Peyton.

I am so sick of waiting.

I will call again this Wednesday, January 23rd. It will be 67 days (10wks) since Peyton passed away.

I need closure. I need to know what happened to Peyton. I need to know if she was in pain or not. I just need to know why at 39wks, just a few days before our due date, that this had to happen.

After the autopsy is completed, we will be able to finish the paperwork for Peyton's Death Certificate. From there (because we live in the state of Ohio) we will be able to apply for a Stillborn Certificate of Birth. I cannot wait to have that little piece of paper.

Strength

Time and time again I have been told things like "I couldn't make it through something like this if I were in your place...", "You're so strong!", and (my absolute favorite) "God only gives you things that he knows you can handle...". For some reason, today especially, those words just sting my heart. Matt and I didn't plan for this tragedy to happen, and we weren't given a "Stillbirth For Dummies" book to help guide us through this grief. I don't see myself as strong, nor do I ever think I'll "make it through" this extremely painful tragedy, and I especially don't think that God made this happen to us, to Peyton.

Our daughter died. I labored and I birthed her because I physically had to. I had no other choice. And if I did have another choice, I would have chosen it. I wake up every day just like every body else because that's a part of life. I make the most of my days and nights because I'm living my life for not only myself, but for my daughter too. I laugh and I smile because that's what I need. Don't get me wrong, I cry too -- the second I turn the water on in the shower my tears start flowing. I feel good most days, but my heart also physically hurts... like a dull tooth ache that just won't go away. I keep a bin full of Peyton's clothing & tiny pair of pink boots under my bed because it makes me feel better. I am nowhere near strong. I am a mess. I am a huge, huge mess. 

Maybe people tell me these things because they don't know what else to say. Or maybe they truly do believe that God chose this path for Matt and I. Whatever the case, I want people to know that if they were faced with such a tragedy, as Matt and I were, that they would wake up the next day too, like we do. I want people to know that we aren't strong; we're just thankful to have met Peyton, and that is TRULY what helps us pass each minute of every day... Peyton is our STRENGTH, the LOVE that binds us together, and the HOPE for a tomorrow that may hold a rainbow.

Peyton is the reason I get out of bed in the morning. Peyton is the reason I smile, the reason I laugh. I am not strong, I am simply being held together by the strength, love, and hope that Peyton brought into my life the day she was born, the day that she died.

I want to talk about Peyton. I want her numbered among our family. I want to celebrate her birthday every year. I want to hear others talk about Peyton. I want the strength, love, and hope that she has brought us to touch others too.

Photographs from our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Photographer

The morning following Peyton's birth a volunteer photographer, Marti Wagner, from the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Organization came to the hospital to photographer our angel. A week later Marti sent a CD and a DVD of pictures of Peyton to us. They comfort me throughout each and every day. 

The NILMDTS Organization has been a stepping stone for Matt and I, and for our families in this journey of grief. Eventually, when I'm emotionally ready, I think I want to become a volunteer photographer for NILMDTS.

Anyways, the purpose of this post is to share a few pictures Marti took of Peyton. 

Also, please checkout the NILMDTS website at https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ -- they are truly amazing!!! 

8 Weeks & Peyton's Valentine Tree

8 Weeks

Matt and I took a trip to Hocking Hills in Southern Ohio and to Columbus last weekend to spend some quality time together. Even though I was fighting the flu all weekend we had a really nice time. We talked a lot. We talked about Peyton mostly... about how beautiful she was, how much she looked like each of us, and how the pain from losing her has eased from "raw" to "medium". It hurts of course, it's always going to hurt. But now, exactly 8 weeks later, we can both talk about her with a smile instead of a river of tears.

I wish every day that Peyton were here. That Matt, Peyton, and myself were the family that we were supposed to be. But instead we have a different type of family. A family that is never spoken about. Why is that? Why are stillborn babies avoided in conversation or even on family tree's? Before we had Peyton I didn't know a single person who had experienced a full-term 39wk stillbirth (for that matter, I didn't know a single person who had experienced a stillbirth at all)... I had only heard of miscarriages. Now, I know dozens of women who have been in my exact shoes. I WISH with all my heart that just one person would have entrusted Matt and I, and our family, with their own story before we lost our sweet Peyton. I wish I would have known that stillbirth is very much real. I wish I would have known that 1 in 160 pregnancies result in stillbirth. I wish I would have just known that someone could experience something this heartbreaking and tragic, but somehow still find a way to wake up in the morning.

My hopes are that this blog will provide information to others and their families who are in our shoes, or may be in our shoes in the future, and that people may come to the realization that we have, that an "Angel Baby" is still your daughter, son, granddaughter, grandson, cousin, niece, or nephew. I want to share with others our journey, in its ABSOLUTE entirety. I hope I do not offend anyone, but I do plan to include every detail of our journey in this blog. I may not write every week, but I do plan to write often.

Matt and I have cried a million tears. We have struggled through the past 8 weeks. We avoid the baby section at all costs at Target. We find ourselves turning our heads at other young couples with tiny babies. That's not what we want for the rest of our life though. We want to smile. We want to laugh. We want a life full of love. Peyton will always be our daughter, our special angel baby. Matt and I still need to live our lives, and weave Peyton into it.

Over the past few weeks we have discussed having another baby, and "trying again" soon (oh, I hate those words... like we weren't successful the first time - we were successful though!). During our trip last weekend we decided that we were ready now. I think that's a big step for us and our grieving process. Another baby will not replace Peyton, nor will it cure our broken hearts. A baby however will fill our empty arms. We planned our life around Peyton, and I still want that. Maybe I am a horrible person for wanting to have another baby, but I think it's okay, and I hope we have every one's support.

Peyton's Tree

We received a dwarf spruce tree at Peyton's funeral from a group of family friends. It's so beautiful, and I immediately fell in love with it. We planted it in the front yard the first week of December, and decorated it with lights and ornaments for Christmas. My Mother-in-Law and I decided that we would decorate the tree for every holiday.

Today we took down the Christmas decorations, and decorated Peyton's Tree with heart lights and heart ornaments for Valentine's Day.

Beside her tree lay a Baby Angel, and a stone that reads "Beloved Daughter". I love Peyton's Tree, and I find so much comfort in decorating it with pretty lights and ornaments.