The impending arrival of our Miss Peyton filled a missing piece in our lives that we once did not even know was missing.
Matt and I often talked about the sports she would play. Would she play hockey like Matt, or be a swimmer like me? Would her Grandpa and Uncle Steve coach her T-Ball Team? Would she be in marching band like her Uncle Mikey? Would she take us by total surprise and take up ballet? We knew that whatever she decided she wanted to do, she would be great at.
We day dreamed of the family trips we would take. We included Peyton in our summer vacation plans. We even bought her a swim suit and sunglasses for the time we would spend at the pool and beach, while on vacation. We started to plan a trip to Disney, for the fall of 2015, when Peyton would be turning three years old.
We had babysitters in place for when I was at work and school. My Granny would watch Peyton on Mondays and Thursdays. Matt's Dad would have Peyton on Wednesdays. My Mom would take Peyton on her day off during the week - usually a Tuesday or a Friday. Peyton's Great-Grandma would keep her on the days we did not have a sitter in place. Everyone was so excited to have their own special days with Peyton and looked forward to the quality time they would spend with her.
We were not just expecting a baby, we were expecting the rest of our lives.
We did not just lose our daughter, we lost our future with her too. She will never say "I love you, Daddy!" or have an imaginary friend. Peyton will never play hockey, splash her feet in a pool, play catch with her Grandpa, play the clarinet, or wear a pair of ballet slippers. Peyton will never go on vacation with us, nor will she meet Minnie Mouse and Mickey. She will never spend quality time with her Gi-Gi, Grandpa, Grandma, or Great Grandma.
As painful as it is to live our life without Peyton, we still want that life.
We want to be happy. We need to be happy.
No baby could ever, or would ever replace our sweet Peyton. For our own sanity however, we need our empty arms to be filled. Another baby, we believe, will fill that void in our lives.
Maybe we are wrong to want another baby so soon, but this is our life, and I think it's okay.
After every storm there is a rainbow that illuminates the clouds and brings the color back into what was once previously a gray and stormy sky. The beauty of the rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm, but instead offers the promise of brighter times ahead. It is for this reason that a baby who is born after a loss is often referred to as a "Rainbow Baby".
We began "trying" in January, after we took a weekend getaway to re-group and spend some quality time together. After two cycles of "trying" we learned we were indeed pregnant with our Rainbow Baby. We conceived on Valentine's Day, and I truly believe that Peyton sprinkled us with her love that day (along with baby dust, of course)!
We are currently 9 weeks and 4 days pregnant, with an estimated due date of November 6th 2013 (just 11 days before Peyton's 1st Birthday)! Our OB, who we love, will be inducing me in October however, between our 36th and 37th week of pregnancy. I have my fingers crossed for an inducement date of Tuesday October 15th 2013. October 15th is not only Matt's Grandpas' Birthday, but it is also Infant Loss Remembrance Day. For me, October 15th will be a day of HOPE. I could not imagine a more fitting birthday date for our Rainbow Baby.
There are days when we still feel like we are in the middle of the storm that stillbirth brings, but we are now dreaming of our Rainbow who we will be holding in our arms in October.
We saw our OB, Dr. Kalan, who is a Maternal and Fetal Medicine High Risk OB, on March 21st. She told us she had been thinking of us, and was actually going to give us a call until she realized I already had an appointment with her. She was so happy for us! When we first met her in December, I was very hesitant about her. But now, I LOVE her. She is thorough, and honest. And most of all, I trust her.
She ordered some blood work, and we received an ultrasound. It was so amazing to see our Peanut's little heart flickering away on the ultrasound screen. It was a very beautiful moment. Peanut's heartbeat was 143bpm, which we were assured was strong and right where it should be.
A little less than 2 weeks later I realized that our Peanut's heartbeat held a very important message. In July of 2011, my oldest brother, Danny, was shot and killed. Danny would often text his family and friends the number "143". 1 stood for I, 4 for LOVE, and 3 for YOU. I know in my heart Danny and Peyton were with us during Peanut's ultrasound, and that they are happy for us.
For now, I am happy. We have seen our Peanut's heartbeat which lowers our chance of miscarriage to less than 2%. I know that stress and worry will come in our third trimester, and as we near our inducement date. We WILL bring our baby home this time. I am choosing HOPE. Maybe I am crazy to be so optimistic after the type of loss we have suffered, but it is the only thing I can think to do.
We are so happy to be making Peyton a big sister, and to be expecting the rest of our lives, again.
Matt and I often talked about the sports she would play. Would she play hockey like Matt, or be a swimmer like me? Would her Grandpa and Uncle Steve coach her T-Ball Team? Would she be in marching band like her Uncle Mikey? Would she take us by total surprise and take up ballet? We knew that whatever she decided she wanted to do, she would be great at.
We day dreamed of the family trips we would take. We included Peyton in our summer vacation plans. We even bought her a swim suit and sunglasses for the time we would spend at the pool and beach, while on vacation. We started to plan a trip to Disney, for the fall of 2015, when Peyton would be turning three years old.
We had babysitters in place for when I was at work and school. My Granny would watch Peyton on Mondays and Thursdays. Matt's Dad would have Peyton on Wednesdays. My Mom would take Peyton on her day off during the week - usually a Tuesday or a Friday. Peyton's Great-Grandma would keep her on the days we did not have a sitter in place. Everyone was so excited to have their own special days with Peyton and looked forward to the quality time they would spend with her.
We were not just expecting a baby, we were expecting the rest of our lives.
We did not just lose our daughter, we lost our future with her too. She will never say "I love you, Daddy!" or have an imaginary friend. Peyton will never play hockey, splash her feet in a pool, play catch with her Grandpa, play the clarinet, or wear a pair of ballet slippers. Peyton will never go on vacation with us, nor will she meet Minnie Mouse and Mickey. She will never spend quality time with her Gi-Gi, Grandpa, Grandma, or Great Grandma.
As painful as it is to live our life without Peyton, we still want that life.
We want to be happy. We need to be happy.
No baby could ever, or would ever replace our sweet Peyton. For our own sanity however, we need our empty arms to be filled. Another baby, we believe, will fill that void in our lives.
Maybe we are wrong to want another baby so soon, but this is our life, and I think it's okay.
After every storm there is a rainbow that illuminates the clouds and brings the color back into what was once previously a gray and stormy sky. The beauty of the rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm, but instead offers the promise of brighter times ahead. It is for this reason that a baby who is born after a loss is often referred to as a "Rainbow Baby".
We began "trying" in January, after we took a weekend getaway to re-group and spend some quality time together. After two cycles of "trying" we learned we were indeed pregnant with our Rainbow Baby. We conceived on Valentine's Day, and I truly believe that Peyton sprinkled us with her love that day (along with baby dust, of course)!
We are currently 9 weeks and 4 days pregnant, with an estimated due date of November 6th 2013 (just 11 days before Peyton's 1st Birthday)! Our OB, who we love, will be inducing me in October however, between our 36th and 37th week of pregnancy. I have my fingers crossed for an inducement date of Tuesday October 15th 2013. October 15th is not only Matt's Grandpas' Birthday, but it is also Infant Loss Remembrance Day. For me, October 15th will be a day of HOPE. I could not imagine a more fitting birthday date for our Rainbow Baby.There are days when we still feel like we are in the middle of the storm that stillbirth brings, but we are now dreaming of our Rainbow who we will be holding in our arms in October.
We saw our OB, Dr. Kalan, who is a Maternal and Fetal Medicine High Risk OB, on March 21st. She told us she had been thinking of us, and was actually going to give us a call until she realized I already had an appointment with her. She was so happy for us! When we first met her in December, I was very hesitant about her. But now, I LOVE her. She is thorough, and honest. And most of all, I trust her.
She ordered some blood work, and we received an ultrasound. It was so amazing to see our Peanut's little heart flickering away on the ultrasound screen. It was a very beautiful moment. Peanut's heartbeat was 143bpm, which we were assured was strong and right where it should be.
A little less than 2 weeks later I realized that our Peanut's heartbeat held a very important message. In July of 2011, my oldest brother, Danny, was shot and killed. Danny would often text his family and friends the number "143". 1 stood for I, 4 for LOVE, and 3 for YOU. I know in my heart Danny and Peyton were with us during Peanut's ultrasound, and that they are happy for us.
For now, I am happy. We have seen our Peanut's heartbeat which lowers our chance of miscarriage to less than 2%. I know that stress and worry will come in our third trimester, and as we near our inducement date. We WILL bring our baby home this time. I am choosing HOPE. Maybe I am crazy to be so optimistic after the type of loss we have suffered, but it is the only thing I can think to do.
We are so happy to be making Peyton a big sister, and to be expecting the rest of our lives, again.
