Matt and I took a trip to Hocking Hills in Southern Ohio and to Columbus last weekend to spend some quality time together. Even though I was fighting the flu all weekend we had a really nice time. We talked a lot. We talked about Peyton mostly... about how beautiful she was, how much she looked like each of us, and how the pain from losing her has eased from "raw" to "medium". It hurts of course, it's always going to hurt. But now, exactly 8 weeks later, we can both talk about her with a smile instead of a river of tears.
I wish every day that Peyton were here. That Matt, Peyton, and myself were the family that we were supposed to be. But instead we have a different type of family. A family that is never spoken about. Why is that? Why are stillborn babies avoided in conversation or even on family tree's? Before we had Peyton I didn't know a single person who had experienced a full-term 39wk stillbirth (for that matter, I didn't know a single person who had experienced a stillbirth at all)... I had only heard of miscarriages. Now, I know dozens of women who have been in my exact shoes. I WISH with all my heart that just one person would have entrusted Matt and I, and our family, with their own story before we lost our sweet Peyton. I wish I would have known that stillbirth is very much real. I wish I would have known that 1 in 160 pregnancies result in stillbirth. I wish I would have just known that someone could experience something this heartbreaking and tragic, but somehow still find a way to wake up in the morning.
My hopes are that this blog will provide information to others and their families who are in our shoes, or may be in our shoes in the future, and that people may come to the realization that we have, that an "Angel Baby" is still your daughter, son, granddaughter, grandson, cousin, niece, or nephew. I want to share with others our journey, in its ABSOLUTE entirety. I hope I do not offend anyone, but I do plan to include every detail of our journey in this blog. I may not write every week, but I do plan to write often.
Matt and I have cried a million tears. We have struggled through the past 8 weeks. We avoid the baby section at all costs at Target. We find ourselves turning our heads at other young couples with tiny babies. That's not what we want for the rest of our life though. We want to smile. We want to laugh. We want a life full of love. Peyton will always be our daughter, our special angel baby. Matt and I still need to live our lives, and weave Peyton into it.
Over the past few weeks we have discussed having another baby, and "trying again" soon (oh, I hate those words... like we weren't successful the first time - we were successful though!). During our trip last weekend we decided that we were ready now. I think that's a big step for us and our grieving process. Another baby will not replace Peyton, nor will it cure our broken hearts. A baby however will fill our empty arms. We planned our life around Peyton, and I still want that. Maybe I am a horrible person for wanting to have another baby, but I think it's okay, and I hope we have every one's support.
Peyton's Tree
We received a dwarf spruce tree at Peyton's funeral from a group of family friends. It's so beautiful, and I immediately fell in love with it. We planted it in the front yard the first week of December, and decorated it with lights and ornaments for Christmas. My Mother-in-Law and I decided that we would decorate the tree for every holiday.Today we took down the Christmas decorations, and decorated Peyton's Tree with heart lights and heart ornaments for Valentine's Day.
Beside her tree lay a Baby Angel, and a stone that reads "Beloved Daughter". I love Peyton's Tree, and I find so much comfort in decorating it with pretty lights and ornaments.
