Two Are Better Than One

It's been over seven months since we said hello and goodbye to our baby girl. We are currently twenty-two weeks and two days pregnant with our rainbow baby, Matthew Jr. On October 15th we will have an amniocentesis  to check on baby Matty's lungs. If his lungs are fully developed I will be induced immediately. We will be thirty-seven weeks. That means that we have a little less than fifteen weeks left in our pregnancy. When I deliver I will have been pregnant for nearly twenty months straight.

Quite often people will tell me things like "I don't know how you do it..." and "You are so strong! I couldn't go through what you did and become pregnant again...". The truth is though that I am not alone in this journey. Not only do I have a wonderful support system that consists of our families and friends, but I have a wonderful man walking next to me in this journey of life after loss. Although Matt and I grieve completely different, he is my rock; my strength. Today I would like to share with you how wonderful of a partner and Father, Matt is. And how lucky I am to be walking, sometimes crawling, this journey with him.

 As much as I would like to say that Peyton was a planned pregnancy, she was not. Both Matt and I did not see children in our future and when we found out I was pregnant we were both very hesitant and scared. Matt immediately stepped up to the plate however and within days he was naming off baby names. At first he was dead set on the name "Alvin" (how ridiculous?). Though a baby was not in our plans we fell so deeply in love with the little being that was growing inside of me... we were so thankful to be expecting such a gift. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

In June of 2012 we had our twenty week anatomy ultrasound. We went into the appointment with Matt hoping for a baby boy, and myself just "feeling" that we were having a girl. When the ultrasound technician said "It's a GIRL!" Matt broke into tears (to this day I still think he secretly was hoping for a girl). Matt loved the name Peyton, and I loved that he wanted to be so involved with every detail of my pregnancy... and so our baby girl had a name. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

In August we began registering for our baby shower. Matt and my brother in law Michael went with me to Babies R Us. Matt had full control of the hand scanner, and him and Michael were racing all over the store as I trailed behind. At one point I found them by the crib bedding. They both decided on a purple themed monkey set, and because they loved it so much I agreed. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

Matt was so supportive throughout my entire pregnancy... it was our pregnancy. And we grew so much
stronger as a couple because of it. But it wasn't until November, when the triage nurse told us that our thirty-nine week baby girl no longer had a heart beat and that I would have to deliver her, that I truly felt the strength of our relationship and the love that Matt has for me. Our lives and dreams were shattered that night, and we were left to rebuild a new life and new dreams together. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

When I was in labor I was not allowed to eat or drink anything and since I had not eaten anything since lunch the day before, I was starving. On Saturday evening Matt sneaked into the Labor and Delivery Family Kitchen and grabbed a grape popsicle from the freezer. He stuffed it deep into his pocket and nonchalantly walked back to our room. I laid in my hospital bed as I watched him pull a grape popsicle from his pant pocket. I could not stop laughing. He stole a popsicle for me... a popsicle! And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

Our first full day home from the hospital was Monday November 19th. We spent about five hours at Target that day and another two hours at our local CVS. Then Tuesday, we went back to Target. And Wednesday, after having a private viewing of Peyton with our immediate family, we went back to Target yet again. If Thursday had not of been Thanksgiving, we probably would have spent our day at Target. Although Matt despises shopping and my love for Target & CVS, he went because I could not bare to be at home. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

Throughout December, January, and February we met with Dr. Kalan, a High Risk Maternal and Fetal Medicine Gynecologist and Obstetrician, several times. Matt and I had hand chosen her from every Obstetrician available to us in Northeast Ohio. Though Matt loved Dr. Kalan instantly, I did not. But he insisted that I would love her too. And he was right. At our appointments Dr. Kalan discussed Peyton's autopsy, genetic testing, my mental health, and bringing a breathing baby into this world in the future. In January, Matt and I decided that we were ready to try to conceive. Dr. Kalan informed us that it may not happen right away, but for us to stay positive. How was I supposed to stay positive? We were supposed to have a baby already... and I so desperately needed to be pregnant again. To say the least I was stressed, and my anxiety was at an all time high. When we did not get pregnant during our first month of trying, Matt began singing "I wanna get you pregnant", part of a song by R. Kelly, to me. It was just this small thing, but it meant so much to me. I realized that even if we did not get pregnant this month, or within the next six months, or even the next year, we would have our own little family one day. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

In February, after my ovulation day, I instantly felt pregnant. I began testing on Tuesday February 19th. Every day the test would read negative and each day Matt would remind me how much he loved me and the family that we already have... the family that included Peyton. And then on Tuesday February 26th, I woke up extra early before Matt's alarm clock even went off for work. My period was due that morning, so I knew this would probably be the last pregnancy test I took for the rest of the month. I counted to one-hundred-and-twenty in my head, and when I looked at the test I was blown away to see TWO PINK LINES. I ran upstairs to our bedroom and jumped on the bed, similarly to a child jumping on their parents bed on Christmas morning, Matt then half asleep. I whispered in his ear "Guess what?" and he responded "Huhh?" in a very scary morning voice. It was such a relief to tell him "We're pregnant!" He was in total shock. Ironically, when I accepted that becoming pregnant again may take time, we got pregnant on my very next cycle. During my lunch break that day Matt sent me a text message that read "I love you. Make sure you eat lunch, you're eating for two now. I love you both." When we finally went to bed that evening Matt kissed my belly and then my forehead, and then reminding me that whatever happened he would always be here for me. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

The past two years have been filled with the unexpected for Matt and I, and I believe because we have not given up on one another is the reason why we are the couple we are today. It would have been so easy for Matt to walk away when I learned I was pregnant with Peyton... but instead he chose to be pregnant with me, and support me in every way he could. It would have been so easy for Matt to walk away after we lost our daughter... but instead he chose to rebuild our life together and create new dreams with me. And it would have been so easy for Matt to walk away from the idea of having a family with me... but instead he chose to take the risk; he chose hope. I love my Matthew so very much, and am so grateful every morning and every night that he is the one who walks this journey of life after loss with me. There is no one else I would like to share this tragic, yet completely beautiful life with. And I believe that is what love is truly all about.

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. 

-- Ecclesiastes, 4:9-12