I Would Choose You

If I could...

If I could, I would go back in time. I would go back to the beginning, to the night you were conceived... to the day I first saw your heart beat on the ultrasound screen, to the day I first felt you kick. I would submerge myself into your life... the entire 39wks I carried you. I would photograph my pregnancy with you more. I would take time off of work so I could enjoy my pregnancy more with you. I would keep a diary for you. I would ask for a recording of your heartbeat... your perfect, strong heartbeat (the ultrasound technician repeatedly told us that we had a "good heart baby"). If I could, I would go back in time, and I would still choose you. I would choose you again and again, even if that meant we would still lose you.

I would relive the pain of hearing the words "There is no heartbeat...", and feel my world crash to pieces again, if that meant I could be in your presence for just a second.

I would labor and birth you just the same. I would be the first to hold you. I would hold you longer. I would kiss you just one more time, and maybe a time after that.

I would insist on going with you, while you were transferred to The Cleveland Clinic Main Campus for your Autopsy. I would go through the pain of your Funeral again and again. I would gather the strength to read a poem at your Service. I would sit with you alone. I would be there when they burned your body down to ashes.

I would choose you, Peyton, time and time again because you chose me.

Updates

I called the Pathologist's Office this past week. The Pathologist that performed Peytons' Autopsy cannot give us a date of when the report will be finished. I have been in contact with my new OB/GYN (she will review the Autopsy and Placenta Report with us) and she has talked to the Pathologist also and was told that the report should be finished in "two weeks or so...". She is sure that we will know something by the end of this next week. I hope she is right.

Matthew and I are planning to do a fundraiser in memory of Peyton benefiting The Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Organization, in April. I am excited to do this fundraiser, and to give back to NILMDTS... they have given us such a priceless gift that I do not even know where to begin to thank them. I think the fundraiser will be a start. I will keep everyone updated on the fundraiser date (I am thinking April 13th, but it is not set in stone just yet), time, location, and etc. through my facebook page, email, and this blog. If anyone is interested in helping in any way, shape, and/or form please let me know.

Tomorrow morning Matt and I begin an 8wk support group session through Cornerstone of Hope. I hope to connect with other couples whom have been through a loss similar to ours. I think the support group will be good for us.

Lastly, to those of you that are following our story, thank you from the depths of my heart.