Mentally I feel borderline psychotic.
Physically my body is weak.
We are in our 17th week of pregnancy with baby Matty. As the days turn into weeks the harder it becomes to accept that baby Matty could never and will never be my sweet Peyton, but instead is another sweet and beautiful baby that I love with everything I have.
Part of me believes that I am betraying Peyton... that loving Matty is taking away from my love for Peyton. I remind myself everyday that I love both of my babies, and that loving Matty could never take away from my love for Peyton. But the idea is still there. It won't go away.
I have been struggling more lately. Break downs, flashbacks, and guilt consume almost every aspect of my life.
Part of me looks forward to breaking down - to crying for hours on end - to forgetting every part of my life, except for Peyton.
On my weakest days I open her memory box. I pull out her diamond earrings and imagine how beautiful they would have looked on her. I hold her red bag of ashes in my hand. I open up the zip-lock bag that keeps her "Mommy's Cupcake" outfit safe, and hold her clothes to my nose... they still smell like her. Sometimes, I open up the long oak chest that holds nearly every piece of my pregnancy with Peyton and her death. I love laying out her sparkly funeral dress, and remembering how beautiful she looked in it. I enjoy reading through our baby shower cards, and looking at some of the decorations we saved from our special day.
But after a break down, after the flashbacks stop flipping through my mind like a picture book, after the tears stop pouring from my eyes, after the numbness of death and loss consumes my entire being, and after I place her belongings back into her memory box and oak chest I always have the same thought, "All she ever knew was love".
There is nothing truer in this world. Peyton was loved her entire life. Peyton is still so very loved.
When Matt and I decided to start trying to conceive another baby this Winter we weighed the pro's and con's. We ultimately decided we were ready. For most of my pregnancy however I have felt as if we should have waited a year or two longer. This week I have learned that my new pregnancy is actually a very needed piece of my journey of life after loss. Through my pregnancy with Matty I have learned how deep my love for Peyton truly is.
When we decided to become pregnant again our motto became "A new baby will not replace Peyton, but a new baby will fill our empty arms." Nearly half way through our pregnancy after loss, that motto has become only partially true. Matty will not replace Peyton; that statement is very true. Yet, while Matty will fill our empty arms physically, emotionally our arms will always yearn to hold both Peyton and Matty together. We will never be given a chance to do so.
Though we are struggling, we have a very beautiful life and are thankful for being given the gift of being Peyton and Matty's parents.
On Saturday May 18th we learned that our Rainbow Baby is a BOY!!!
Matty's official name is Matthew John Jr. We are overjoyed and cannot wait to welcome our little man into this world in October.
This life may not be what we expected, but we are so grateful to be where we are today.
