All along, it's been Peter Pan. Maybe that is my answer. Or maybe I am truly a crazed, grieving Mother who is willing to grasp onto any idea that her baby is still with her, in some shape and/or form. I'll go with the upper hand and say that it's just Peter Pan.
I bought Peyton the book "Peter Pan" (my absolute favorite book and movie) a week before she was born. Inside I wrote her the following note:
"When I was a little girl I always wanted to be Peter Pan - the boy who never grows up. I did grow up... but swimming is the next best thing! It's harmony and balance - the water is my sky. I hope you fall in love with a passion. I hope you find your own harmony and balance in this world... Love Always, Mommy"
Once we bought Peyton's urn, or as I like to call - memory box, I placed the Peter Pan book under it so that the book would always be with her.
Maybe it is just coincidental that this story has always been my favorite - that it has always had a special place in my heart. And maybe it is just coincidental that I was walking through Wal-Mart one day, picking up last minute baby things, and just happened to see the book out of the corner of my eye.
But I think it is a sign... a small, yet big, hello from heaven. It makes complete and total sense to me.
The Peter Pan character is based off of James Barries older brother who died as a young boy, and therefore always stayed a young boy in his Mother's mind. Peter is sometimes characterized at various ages, but never growing older than puberty. It is thought that each time he leaves Never Never Land to go to the "Real World" he ages a bit.
In short, Peter Pan is a charming and charismatic child who wishes to never grow up, and to always have fun. He can fly and teaches other children how to fly too! He has a strong sense of justice, and always wants to help those in danger. He lives on an island called Never Never Land. In Never Never Land Peter is the captain of the "Lost Boys" (a group of boys who were lost by their parents) whom he leads on thrilling adventures with Pirates, Indians, Mermaids, Fairies, and Wild Beasts. Yet Peter longs for a Mother. Peter does not know his parents. He left them when he was an infant. He manages to entice a little girl (whom he wishes to be his Mother), Wendy, to leave her home and follow him, with her two brothers, to Never Never Land. Eventually, Wendy must leave Never Never Land and grow up. But in the place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming, Peter is always there waiting for Wendy. Peter visits Wendy throughout her life, though she cannot see him, and listens to the stories she tells of him.
Peyton is my very own Peter Pan. She left us when she was just a baby, and she will forever be a little girl... our little girl.
For the first month after Peyton's death I had a recurring dream. In the dream I took Peyton home with us from the hospital, and hid her. I refused to let her leave me. I do not have that dream anymore. Instead, I wake up in the morning knowing I dreamed of her... but no specific details. And I'm okay with that because I know she will ALWAYS be in that place between sleep and awake... she will always be there waiting for me.I hope Peyton is in Never Never Land, taking thrilling adventures with Pirates and Mermaids. I hope she plays, and laughs, and does all the things little girls do. I hope she is never lonely, for she will always have a Mother and a Father. I hope she remembers Matt and I, for we will never forget her. I hope she visits us throughout our life, and listens to the stories we will tell of her. And I truly hope that when we are blessed with a little brother or sister of Peyton's, that she visits them and takes them on an adventure to Never Never Land, just like Peter took Wendy.
Second star to the right... and straight on till morning.
