I Would Choose You

If I could...

If I could, I would go back in time. I would go back to the beginning, to the night you were conceived... to the day I first saw your heart beat on the ultrasound screen, to the day I first felt you kick. I would submerge myself into your life... the entire 39wks I carried you. I would photograph my pregnancy with you more. I would take time off of work so I could enjoy my pregnancy more with you. I would keep a diary for you. I would ask for a recording of your heartbeat... your perfect, strong heartbeat (the ultrasound technician repeatedly told us that we had a "good heart baby"). If I could, I would go back in time, and I would still choose you. I would choose you again and again, even if that meant we would still lose you.

I would relive the pain of hearing the words "There is no heartbeat...", and feel my world crash to pieces again, if that meant I could be in your presence for just a second.

I would labor and birth you just the same. I would be the first to hold you. I would hold you longer. I would kiss you just one more time, and maybe a time after that.

I would insist on going with you, while you were transferred to The Cleveland Clinic Main Campus for your Autopsy. I would go through the pain of your Funeral again and again. I would gather the strength to read a poem at your Service. I would sit with you alone. I would be there when they burned your body down to ashes.

I would choose you, Peyton, time and time again because you chose me.

Updates

I called the Pathologist's Office this past week. The Pathologist that performed Peytons' Autopsy cannot give us a date of when the report will be finished. I have been in contact with my new OB/GYN (she will review the Autopsy and Placenta Report with us) and she has talked to the Pathologist also and was told that the report should be finished in "two weeks or so...". She is sure that we will know something by the end of this next week. I hope she is right.

Matthew and I are planning to do a fundraiser in memory of Peyton benefiting The Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Organization, in April. I am excited to do this fundraiser, and to give back to NILMDTS... they have given us such a priceless gift that I do not even know where to begin to thank them. I think the fundraiser will be a start. I will keep everyone updated on the fundraiser date (I am thinking April 13th, but it is not set in stone just yet), time, location, and etc. through my facebook page, email, and this blog. If anyone is interested in helping in any way, shape, and/or form please let me know.

Tomorrow morning Matt and I begin an 8wk support group session through Cornerstone of Hope. I hope to connect with other couples whom have been through a loss similar to ours. I think the support group will be good for us.

Lastly, to those of you that are following our story, thank you from the depths of my heart.

Waiting on the Autopsy & Strength

Waiting on the Autopsy

On Wednesday November 14th we saw the OB. Peyton's heartbeat was good & strong, and I was dilated & effaced. We were told that we would have Peyton before our due date, November 24th, and that the weekend i.e. the 17th or 18th would be ideal. We left the OB's office that day ecstatic. We went to lunch with Matthew's parents, we called my Mom at work, and then we went to Target to purchase Peyton a 2nd snowsuit. We then went home and enjoyed just being together, and the impending arrival of our sweet baby girl. What we did not know was that we would have Peyton that weekend, we just wouldn't be able to take her home.

When Peyton was born there were no "visible" abnormalities or signs of what may have caused her death. Her cord was not twisted or pinched, nor was it wrapped around any of her extremities (which could cut off oxygen and blood flow). The placenta looked good. And Peyton looked absolutely perfect. The Doctor that delivered Peyton told Matt, myself, and our family that we would need to wait 4-6wks for results from an autopsy.

4-6wks is 42 days at the maximum, which should have given us the results of the autopsy by December 29th. At first I could not imagine waiting 42 whole days, but somehow we passed the time.

Since I had not heard anything from the Pathologists office or the OB who delivered Peyton, I called just to check on the status of the autopsy on December 19th. I was told to check back in 2wks if I did not hear from anyone, and that it should be completed by then.

I waited 3wks to call back. I figured with the Holidays that they may have gotten a bit behind. I called on January 9th, and was told that the autopsy was still not completed. I was told to call back in another 2wks if I did not hear from the Pathologists office or the OB that delivered Peyton.

I am so sick of waiting.

I will call again this Wednesday, January 23rd. It will be 67 days (10wks) since Peyton passed away.

I need closure. I need to know what happened to Peyton. I need to know if she was in pain or not. I just need to know why at 39wks, just a few days before our due date, that this had to happen.

After the autopsy is completed, we will be able to finish the paperwork for Peyton's Death Certificate. From there (because we live in the state of Ohio) we will be able to apply for a Stillborn Certificate of Birth. I cannot wait to have that little piece of paper.

Strength

Time and time again I have been told things like "I couldn't make it through something like this if I were in your place...", "You're so strong!", and (my absolute favorite) "God only gives you things that he knows you can handle...". For some reason, today especially, those words just sting my heart. Matt and I didn't plan for this tragedy to happen, and we weren't given a "Stillbirth For Dummies" book to help guide us through this grief. I don't see myself as strong, nor do I ever think I'll "make it through" this extremely painful tragedy, and I especially don't think that God made this happen to us, to Peyton.

Our daughter died. I labored and I birthed her because I physically had to. I had no other choice. And if I did have another choice, I would have chosen it. I wake up every day just like every body else because that's a part of life. I make the most of my days and nights because I'm living my life for not only myself, but for my daughter too. I laugh and I smile because that's what I need. Don't get me wrong, I cry too -- the second I turn the water on in the shower my tears start flowing. I feel good most days, but my heart also physically hurts... like a dull tooth ache that just won't go away. I keep a bin full of Peyton's clothing & tiny pair of pink boots under my bed because it makes me feel better. I am nowhere near strong. I am a mess. I am a huge, huge mess. 

Maybe people tell me these things because they don't know what else to say. Or maybe they truly do believe that God chose this path for Matt and I. Whatever the case, I want people to know that if they were faced with such a tragedy, as Matt and I were, that they would wake up the next day too, like we do. I want people to know that we aren't strong; we're just thankful to have met Peyton, and that is TRULY what helps us pass each minute of every day... Peyton is our STRENGTH, the LOVE that binds us together, and the HOPE for a tomorrow that may hold a rainbow.

Peyton is the reason I get out of bed in the morning. Peyton is the reason I smile, the reason I laugh. I am not strong, I am simply being held together by the strength, love, and hope that Peyton brought into my life the day she was born, the day that she died.

I want to talk about Peyton. I want her numbered among our family. I want to celebrate her birthday every year. I want to hear others talk about Peyton. I want the strength, love, and hope that she has brought us to touch others too.