Lately, I have found it so hard to write. Some days I think it's because I do not have enough of the right words. And when I do, I feel like I cannot grasp my thoughts tight enough into a single blog. But other days, like today, I think it's because I'm too happy... too happy to write about life after loss... too happy to be a baby loss Mom.
Most of you are probably thinking to yourself "What is wrong with being happy?" Some days I ask myself that same question.
But in those first two months after Peyton's death, I was so numb... I was completely consumed in our loss. I felt so close to Peyton. Her death was so fresh then that it was like an open wound. And now, it's starting to heal.
I question myself daily if the emotions I am feeling are normal. If it's okay that I'm not broken into a million little pieces. If it's okay that I smile... that I laugh... that I'm happy. I always come to the same conclusion however. Yes, it is okay. This journey that I am on is my journey, and the emotions that I feel are strictly normal for me.
Over the past several weeks Matt and I have grown so much. We are a stronger couple. I love him so much more than I could have ever imagined. We have mainly good days. We talk about Peyton without full blown tears. We talk about the future.
And so, I believe that Matt and I have reached a new step in our journey. A step that other baby loss parents have shared with us - Living a New Normal.
We will never be who we were before we lost Peyton. We miss Peyton with every bit of our hearts, and we wish every day that she were here with us. We see life with new eyes. We appreciate every laugh, every sunrise, and every I Love You. We are not consumed in grief and sadness, though we are sad. We have accepted that Peyton died, but we will never be okay with her death. We have begun to weave Peyton's death into our life together, creating this new normal.
In our new normal we are content. We are happy. We are sad. We miss Peyton. We look forward to our future, yet we are so content with the presence.
In our new normal we have a daughter. And she died. But her life did not end.
In our new normal Peyton's life is still very much alive. She lives on through Matt, myself, and our family. She is in every breath we breathe... every laugh we laugh... every smile we beam. She lives when her name is spoken, when her picture is looked at with a tearful smile, when she is simply thought of. She is here with us every second of every day.
I know this blog is short today, but I feel like I said everything that I needed to with just the right words.
To the right you will find a music video taken from Youtube. It is a song that I listen to every day. It's called "Beam Me Up" by Pink.
I hope you find the piece of happiness that I find in it each and every day.
Thank you for reading and being a part of our journey... our beautiful and sometimes happy life after loss.
