But every now and then...
I go back to that night.
I go back to the minutes before I gave birth to our deceased daughter.
I go back to the days, and weeks, and even months following our loss.
I go back...
And then I start questioning myself...
How did I let this happen?
How did Peyton's death not kill me or at least throw me into a depression where I couldn't leave the house for months?
Does the hope that I've held onto make me a bad Mother?
Why am I being given a second chance?
How did I get to this point in time?
No matter the answer's to those questions there is one thing I cannot deny: I am alive.
On the morning following Peyton's death and birth we met a woman with a camera. Marti Wagner, a photographer who volunteers her time with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, photographed Peyton. Little did I know at that time that this woman would become one of my very best friends and my personal angel on earth. I didn't learn until after Marti left that morning that she was a volunteer and that these photographs would not cost Matt and I anything. After Marti left my Mom informed me that Marti was a volunteer and exactly what she had just done for Matt and I; for our family. It was then that I cried my first set of healing tears.
A little over a week later we received a medium sized envelope in the mail. Inside was a note from Marti along with a CD of Peyton's photographs and a personalized DVD slide show. Minutes later Matt and I sat holding one another, watching the DVD. The DVD was absolutely beautiful. Peyton's beautiful photographs were set to special music. As I sat there watching the slide show I imagined the work that went into Marti editing the photographs; the time she must have invested. In the photographs you could not even tell that we were in a hospital bed, let alone that Peyton was already deceased. And then a picture of Matt kissing Peyton's forehead appeared on our television screen... and it was then that I cried my second set of healing tears.
Matt and I sent Marti a Happy Holiday's card in mid-December, along with a thank you card for the gift that she had given us that holiday season. Just a few days later we received a Happy Holiday's card from Marti in the mail. I thought that would be the last time we would exchange words with Marti. But it was not.
In January, Matt and I started off the new year by taking an extended-weekend getaway. We made the decision to begin trying to conceive for our rainbow baby that weekend. It was then that I cried my third set of healing tears. For whatever reason, Matt loved me... truly loved me. I realized it that weekend.
A few weeks later we began a 9 week support group for infant loss at Cornerstone of Hope that was held every Saturday morning for 2 hours. It was at our first group meeting that I cried my fourth set of healing tears. My heart broke that the people that sat in the same room with Matt and I shared our pain... that they knew the deep, dark, painful secrets of neonatal and infant loss. But my heart felt so good that for the first time since we lost Peyton that I was surrounded by people with who I could talk about my baby openly... freely... without feeling like I was the dark cloud on someones otherwise sunny day.
In the following weeks we learned about the lives of Robbie, Joey, Frankie, Nicolo Jr., and Jacob and how their parents were living their own lives after loss. There were many Saturday mornings that I would go home and cry because I wish I could have personally met each of the boys. I was so honored to share in each of these couples journeys, and to share our journey with them. I was especially honored to share in Allison and Joe's journey of pregnancy after loss.
In February we began planning a fundraiser in honor of Peyton, benefiting the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Organization. I spent weeks exchanging emails and phone calls with several women from NILMDTS. In March, Mindy Tapaan from NILMDTS asked me if it would be okay that she contact our NILMDTS photographer, Marti, to see if she would like to participate in our fundraiser. I immediately shrieked "YES!", on the phone. Within the hour Mindy was calling me back informing me that Marti would be in contact with me and that she would love to be involved in our fundraiser. I spoke to Marti on the phone later that day. She said that she would see us on April 27th with her camera and that she would like to donate a photography session for our Chinese Raffle.
On February 26th we learned we were expecting our rainbow baby. It was then that I cried my fifth set of healing tears.
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On April 27th Marti and I were reunited at our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Fundraiser in honor of our daughter, Peyton. We were overjoyed to share that special night with Marti and her husband, Lou.
With the help of family and friends, and Marti and her husband, Lou, we raised over $2,800 in Peyton's name for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.
It was that night that I cried my sixth set of healing tears.
It was truly an amazing evening!
About a week later Gina Harris, from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, called me and personally thanked Matt and I for our fundraiser. She asked me if I would like to sit on NILMDTS's Parent Committee. I was overwhelmed with joy! I of course accepted.
It was then that I cried my seventh set of healing tears.
On May 17th we celebrated Peyton's half birthday with our parents and siblings, just as we would have if she were alive. We had yummy food and a special half birthday Monkey cake, in honor of Peyton.
We celebrated the beauty that she brought into our lives... the gift that she truly was and STILL is.
It was such a beautiful evening. Later that evening I cried my eighth set of healing tears.
The next day, May 18th, I had an elective ultrasound at Babywaves in Independence, OH to learn the gender of baby Matty. My in-laws, sister in law, little sister, and brother in law joined me for the ultrasound. My Mom and Matt both had to work that day. Around 1:40pm we learned that we were expecting a baby boy, Matthew Jr. In the bathroom after the ultrasound I cried my ninth set of healing tears... suddenly it was so real - we are having a baby!
On May 29th our baby loss friends, Allison and Joe, welcomed their rainbow baby, Anika, into the world. It was then that I cried my tenth set of healing tears, and even now it still makes me cry happy tears. Allison's pregnancy after loss was inspiring and Anika's birth gave me so much hope.
On July 20th my parent's had a surprise birthday party for me. Our baby loss friends Katy and Frank were there along with Allison and Miss Anika. That evening Katy and Frank shared with us that they are expecting their rainbow baby. I did not cry. Instead, I was overwhelmed with immense happiness!
At the beginning of August I completed an interview for an online parenting magazine for an article about our loss and Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I answered questions about my pregnancy with Peyton, the night we lost Peyton, our experience with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, our life after loss, and our current pregnancy. The entire interview had me in tears, beginning to finish. I wish I did not have the experience that aloud me to participate in such an article and many of the tears that I cried were full of pain. After I submitted the interview however, I felt EMPOWERED and PROUD to share Peyton's story and my journey after loss... that is when I cried my latest set of healing tears.
Recently, I began teaching swim lessons again. Something that I was just not able to do after Peyton's death. I teach mainly Mini (baby) Classes, which was something I so badly wanted to do, but was sure I would not be able to emotionally do. Surprisingly, this has been the most HEALING piece in my journey of life after loss. There are babies that are the same age Peyton would be in my classes... and they bring me JOY!
The purpose of this post is to give you a glimpse into my absolutely BEAUTIFUL journey of life after loss... to share my healing tears and healing experiences with you. My daughter died and for some reason I survived her death. Then, I survived her birth. And after that I survived her funeral. For months after I found myself "surviving" or "getting through" another day. And then, I found myself living... truly living... for the first time in my entire life.
A quote I merely glimpsed, after Peyton passed away, now means so much to me: "It is the deepest pain that empowers you to grow into your highest self."
The pain from Peyton's death is with me always. But that pain has brought so much GOOD into my life that it is hard to concentrate on only the pain. I look back at who I was before I became pregnant with Peyton; before I became a baby loss Mom... I am such a better person for knowing Peyton, for being her Mom.
I would like to share a song that I listen to nearly every day - a song that I feel explains the reason for healing tears and healing experiences. Peyton is my bluebird.
I hope it brings you the hope and peace that it constantly brings me.
