Waiting on the Autopsy & Strength

Waiting on the Autopsy

On Wednesday November 14th we saw the OB. Peyton's heartbeat was good & strong, and I was dilated & effaced. We were told that we would have Peyton before our due date, November 24th, and that the weekend i.e. the 17th or 18th would be ideal. We left the OB's office that day ecstatic. We went to lunch with Matthew's parents, we called my Mom at work, and then we went to Target to purchase Peyton a 2nd snowsuit. We then went home and enjoyed just being together, and the impending arrival of our sweet baby girl. What we did not know was that we would have Peyton that weekend, we just wouldn't be able to take her home.

When Peyton was born there were no "visible" abnormalities or signs of what may have caused her death. Her cord was not twisted or pinched, nor was it wrapped around any of her extremities (which could cut off oxygen and blood flow). The placenta looked good. And Peyton looked absolutely perfect. The Doctor that delivered Peyton told Matt, myself, and our family that we would need to wait 4-6wks for results from an autopsy.

4-6wks is 42 days at the maximum, which should have given us the results of the autopsy by December 29th. At first I could not imagine waiting 42 whole days, but somehow we passed the time.

Since I had not heard anything from the Pathologists office or the OB who delivered Peyton, I called just to check on the status of the autopsy on December 19th. I was told to check back in 2wks if I did not hear from anyone, and that it should be completed by then.

I waited 3wks to call back. I figured with the Holidays that they may have gotten a bit behind. I called on January 9th, and was told that the autopsy was still not completed. I was told to call back in another 2wks if I did not hear from the Pathologists office or the OB that delivered Peyton.

I am so sick of waiting.

I will call again this Wednesday, January 23rd. It will be 67 days (10wks) since Peyton passed away.

I need closure. I need to know what happened to Peyton. I need to know if she was in pain or not. I just need to know why at 39wks, just a few days before our due date, that this had to happen.

After the autopsy is completed, we will be able to finish the paperwork for Peyton's Death Certificate. From there (because we live in the state of Ohio) we will be able to apply for a Stillborn Certificate of Birth. I cannot wait to have that little piece of paper.

Strength

Time and time again I have been told things like "I couldn't make it through something like this if I were in your place...", "You're so strong!", and (my absolute favorite) "God only gives you things that he knows you can handle...". For some reason, today especially, those words just sting my heart. Matt and I didn't plan for this tragedy to happen, and we weren't given a "Stillbirth For Dummies" book to help guide us through this grief. I don't see myself as strong, nor do I ever think I'll "make it through" this extremely painful tragedy, and I especially don't think that God made this happen to us, to Peyton.

Our daughter died. I labored and I birthed her because I physically had to. I had no other choice. And if I did have another choice, I would have chosen it. I wake up every day just like every body else because that's a part of life. I make the most of my days and nights because I'm living my life for not only myself, but for my daughter too. I laugh and I smile because that's what I need. Don't get me wrong, I cry too -- the second I turn the water on in the shower my tears start flowing. I feel good most days, but my heart also physically hurts... like a dull tooth ache that just won't go away. I keep a bin full of Peyton's clothing & tiny pair of pink boots under my bed because it makes me feel better. I am nowhere near strong. I am a mess. I am a huge, huge mess. 

Maybe people tell me these things because they don't know what else to say. Or maybe they truly do believe that God chose this path for Matt and I. Whatever the case, I want people to know that if they were faced with such a tragedy, as Matt and I were, that they would wake up the next day too, like we do. I want people to know that we aren't strong; we're just thankful to have met Peyton, and that is TRULY what helps us pass each minute of every day... Peyton is our STRENGTH, the LOVE that binds us together, and the HOPE for a tomorrow that may hold a rainbow.

Peyton is the reason I get out of bed in the morning. Peyton is the reason I smile, the reason I laugh. I am not strong, I am simply being held together by the strength, love, and hope that Peyton brought into my life the day she was born, the day that she died.

I want to talk about Peyton. I want her numbered among our family. I want to celebrate her birthday every year. I want to hear others talk about Peyton. I want the strength, love, and hope that she has brought us to touch others too.