Matthew and I had planned how we would spend this New Year's Eve months ago. We planned to cuddle up on the couch with our daughter, and watch Frosty the Snowman. We thought it could even become our first family tradition together - just the three of us.
I'm terrified of the New Year; of 2012 coming to an end. 2012 was Peyton's year. 2012 is the year of Peyton's conceivement, birth, and death. 2012 holds every memory I have with our daughter.
March 3rd 2012: Peyton was conceived.
March 16th 2012: BFP! (For those of you who don't know "pregnancy lingo", BFP stands for Big-FAT-Positive; in reference to a pregnancy test!) It was my brother Danny's first Birthday in Heaven - my positive pregnancy test was definitely a gift from him.
March 27th 2012: First Ultrasound. Peyton was just a tiny little blob. EDD, November 24th 2012.
May 14th 2012: OB Appointment #3 - Matthew, my Mom, and myself heard Peyton's heartbeat for the first time. 157 BPM!
May 24th 2012: Are those kicks?! YEPP! They sure are.
June 12th 2012: OB Appointment #4 - I heard Peyton's heartbeat again, 144 BPM! The Doctor ordered an ultrasound for June 22nd 2012. I couldn't wait to find out if Peyton was a girl or a boy.
June 22nd 2012: Matthew and I both cried when the ultrasound technician said "GIRL!". We decided to name our baby girl Peyton Grace.
July 8th 2012: 20wks, half way there!
July 10th 2012: I finally began to "show".
August 12th 2012: We began our registry for our baby shower, and picked Monkey's as our theme.
September 2nd 2012: Matthew was laying his head on my belly, and Peyton kicked Daddy in the side of his face for the first time.
September 13th 2012: 3D and Real 4D ultrasound. Peyton was the spitting image of her Daddy.
September 22nd 2012: Hospital Tour!
October 14th 2012: Matthew put together the crib, and we began decorating the nursery.
October 27th 2012: We built Peyton a Monkey at Build-A-Bear workshop. We named her Baby, and dressed her in a onesie, hat, and ruffle socks.
October 28th 2012: Baby Shower Day!!! Our baby shower was like a Wedding Reception... absolutely beautiful! Everyone spoiled Peyton. Peyton kicked the entire time I opened gifts... Matthew said it was because she knew all the gifts were for her. I think he was right.
October 29th 2012: My Mother-in-Law and I went to my last ultrasound of Peyton together. Peyton blew bubbles at us during the ultrasound.
November 12th 2012: I cleaned sheets & blankets for the bassinet, charged the video camera & camera, packed the hospital bags, and cleaned & put all of Peyton's clothes away. We were officially ready for baby!
November 14th 2012: Last OB appointment. I was dilated and effaced. The Doctor said I would have Peyton before my due date, and that this weekend was ideal, i.e. the 17th or 18th. Peyton's heartbeat was 120 BPM.
November 15th 2012: Matthew laid his head on my belly and had "cuddle time" with Peyton.
November 16th 2012: Our heartbreak began.
November 17th 2012: Peyton Grace was born and entered into eternal rest.
November 18th 2012: I held our daughter in my arms for the last time.
November 23rd 2012: We held services to honor our beautiful Peyton.
December 3rd 2012: Matthew and I planted a memorial tree for Peyton, and decorated it with Christmas lights & bulbs.
These are the memories I have. My memories of Peyton, and my pregnancy. They are forever engraved in my mind.
I'm scared of 2013 because I don't want time to go on without her. What if 2013 brings me happiness? Happiness that doesn't include Peyton?
Jenna, I know you had all these plans and dreams that you wanted to share with Peyton and that is absolutely normal for a mother to do and feel. I'M sure that the end of 2012 May be hard to let go of, but no matter what year it is Peyton will always be with you. Don't be afraid of the new year. A new year doesn't mean the memories that you had good and bad in 2012 are going to change Or that you have to let them go. What if you find happiness? You deserve to be happy Jenna. What happened was terrible,and extremely heart breaking, but you will overcome this and grow. Peyton would want her mommy to be happy.She looks down on you and sees you cry and feels your pain and heart ache. Your brother will take care of her and help her grow as you would have while they soar through the heavens with angelic wings. Finding happiness and a little joy in the new year doesnt mean you'll forget about Peyton. People usually say that the new year is a new start and it is. It's an opportunity to find your way again. An opportunity to pick up the pieces. An opportunity to find happiness again. I'm sure you feel empty and like a part of you is missing and you may feel that way for along time, but one day you will feel whole again. Time will go on but Peyton is and will always be with you, in your heart and in your mind. When you look in the mirror you will see her, for she is apart of you. When you look at Matt you will see her for she is apart of him. You will never forget and as time goes on she will be right there with you protecting you.
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