Where do we go from here?

Matt and I packed away Peytons' nursery today. It took the whole day - she had so many things.

We began by placing her blankets in boxes, and taping them up. We are keeping her monkey quilt, and blanket specially made by her Nana out. Her monkey quilt is displayed on a miniature rocking chair that her Build-A-Bear monkey, Baby, sits in. Baby is dressed in an Angel costume. It makes me happy to look at. Peytons' other blanket, made by Nana, we will display on a quilt rack. Peyton was wrapped with both blankets at the hospital. Her monkey quilt stayed with her at the funeral home too!

We then packed the rest of her clothing away - although there is a long bin of her clothing that I am keeping under our bed. It makes me feel better for some reason. She had so many outfits, pretty dresses of every color, 4 dozen sleepers (seriously!), the cutest pair of Levi skinny jeans, 15 pairs of shoes, hand knitted sweaters, a million "I Love Daddy!" garments, and her teeny tiny swimsuit I bought way back in July. She'll never wear any of her clothes or shoes.

I packed away her bath necessities, i.e. washcloths, towels, a ladybug bath sponge. Matt took apart her swing and bouncer. I took the wall decals of monkeys, hippos, and giraffes down. I left a monkey on the wall. 

Monkey's were our theme for Peyton. When I was pregnant with Peyton she would not kick all day, but when Matthew got home from work and said hello to my belly she would go crazy with kicks and nudges. She was such a Daddy's Girl. Matt picked out the nursery theme... purple and monkeys. Peyton was our monkey.

Matt took apart the crib, and then the bassinet. I left the sheets on both mattresses. I could never lay a different baby on Peyton's sheets. We are donating the crib, and the mattresses.

And then Matt took apart our beautiful jogging stroller, and put it back in the box it came in. Matt says we will have to store the stroller at his brother, Steve's, house since we don't have any more space for it. I don't want her stroller to be away from me though. I want her stroller right here. I'll never get to take Peyton on a morning jog with me in that stroller, or push her around in it at the Zoo. It took me two months to pick the perfect stroller for Peyton - I even debated on the color for a month after that. She would have loved that stroller. We would have made so many memories with that stroller. We would have taken her to so many places in that stroller.

Peytons' car seat is still in the car. I haven't asked Matthew to pack it away. I don't think I will. I like it in the car. It reminds me that we were ready to bring her home, that we were prepared in every single way... except for this.

Peytons' things are packed away. Where her nursery was early this morning now sits a desk and a recliner. I'm not sure that I'll use the desk, or that I'll ever sit in that recliner. That space will always be Peyton's space.

I left her ultrasound pictures on the wall. I even left the street sign that says "Peyton Road". I hung a picture of Matt, myself, and Peyton at the hospital that was taken just minutes after she was born.

My heart is so heavy now. Peytons' nursery no longer exists. I am angry. So angry. There is no reason for this.

We have a desk and a recliner. Where do we go from here? I'm not sure of that answer yet.

The New Year

Matthew and I had planned how we would spend this New Year's Eve months ago. We planned to cuddle up on the couch with our daughter, and watch Frosty the Snowman. We thought it could even become our first family tradition together - just the three of us. 

I'm terrified of the New Year; of 2012 coming to an end. 2012 was Peyton's year. 2012 is the year of Peyton's conceivement, birth, and death. 2012 holds every memory I have with our daughter.

March 3rd 2012: Peyton was conceived.

March 16th 2012: BFP! (For those of you who don't know "pregnancy lingo", BFP stands for Big-FAT-Positive; in reference to a pregnancy test!) It was my brother Danny's first Birthday in Heaven - my positive pregnancy test was definitely a gift from him. 

March 27th 2012: First Ultrasound. Peyton was just a tiny little blob. EDD, November 24th 2012.

May 14th 2012: OB Appointment #3 - Matthew, my Mom, and myself heard Peyton's heartbeat for the first time. 157 BPM!

May 24th 2012: Are those kicks?! YEPP! They sure are.

June 12th 2012: OB Appointment #4 - I heard Peyton's heartbeat again, 144 BPM! The Doctor ordered an ultrasound for June 22nd 2012. I couldn't wait to find out if Peyton was a girl or a boy.

June 22nd 2012: Matthew and I both cried when the ultrasound technician said "GIRL!". We decided to name our baby girl Peyton Grace.

July 8th 2012: 20wks, half way there!

July 10th 2012: I finally began to "show". 

August 12th 2012: We began our registry for our baby shower, and picked Monkey's as our theme.

September 2nd 2012: Matthew was laying his head on my belly, and Peyton kicked Daddy in the side of his face for the first time. 

September 13th 2012: 3D and Real 4D ultrasound. Peyton was the spitting image of her Daddy.

September 22nd 2012: Hospital Tour! 

October 14th 2012: Matthew put together the crib, and we began decorating the nursery.

October 27th 2012: We built Peyton a Monkey at Build-A-Bear workshop. We named her Baby, and dressed her in a onesie, hat, and ruffle socks. 

October 28th 2012: Baby Shower Day!!! Our baby shower was like a Wedding Reception... absolutely beautiful! Everyone spoiled Peyton. Peyton kicked the entire time I opened gifts... Matthew said it was because she knew all the gifts were for her. I think he was right.

October 29th 2012: My Mother-in-Law and I went to my last ultrasound of Peyton together. Peyton blew bubbles at us during the ultrasound.

November 12th 2012: I cleaned sheets & blankets for the bassinet, charged the video camera & camera, packed the hospital bags, and cleaned & put all of Peyton's clothes away. We were officially ready for baby!

November 14th 2012: Last OB appointment. I was dilated and effaced. The Doctor said I would have Peyton before my due date, and that this weekend was ideal, i.e. the 17th or 18th. Peyton's heartbeat was 120 BPM.

November 15th 2012: Matthew laid his head on my belly and had "cuddle time" with Peyton.

November 16th 2012: Our heartbreak began. 

November 17th 2012: Peyton Grace was born and entered into eternal rest. 

November 18th 2012: I held our daughter in my arms for the last time.

November 23rd 2012: We held services to honor our beautiful Peyton.

December 3rd 2012: Matthew and I planted a memorial tree for Peyton, and decorated it with Christmas lights & bulbs.

These are the memories I have. My memories of Peyton, and my pregnancy. They are forever engraved in my mind.

I'm scared of 2013 because I don't want time to go on without her. What if 2013 brings me happiness? Happiness that doesn't include Peyton?

The Funeral

Looking back on the services we held for our sweet angel...

We held services for our Peyton Grace on Friday November 23rd 2012 from 6p.m. to 8p.m at Fortuna Funeral Home. Fortuna held our services and did the cremation with no charge... we are forever grateful! The Fortuna Family was so wonderful to us, and treated our family & Peyton with such kindness.

When we arrived at the funeral home that Friday at 5:30p.m. I envisioned my night full of tears. I had no idea of the love that I was about to experience.

We chose to do a closed casket; we had a private viewing with our Grandparents and parents on Wednesday that week. Even though the casket was closed we dressed Peyton in a beautiful dress - the top was brown velvet, and the bottom a cream with gold swirls. She wore a brown crocheted hat that I clipped a brown flower to. She wore cream colored tights, and cream maryjanes that had a bit of sparkle in them. Pinned to her dress was her gold angel that she wore while in the hospital. She looked so beautiful in her dress! 

Though we chose a closed casket for the services, we did decide to display pictures from the hospital during the services - we also played a slide show of pictures on a TV. We played special music for Peyton. Dozens of flowers surrounded her tiny white casket. Her Monkey (we built it a few weeks before her birth for her) wore a special angel costume, and sat next to her casket. Her Monkey quilt, made by her Great-Grandma Donna, laid under her casket. Everything was so beautiful. Just as Peyton deserved.

At 5:45p.m. family and friends started to arrive. In my mind I envisioned just our close relatives and friends to come and support our daughter. To my disbelief, over 150 people paid their respects that night. It was absolutely amazing how many people cared for Peyton, and for our loss. It was so touching how many people wanted to comfort us, to hug us, to let us know they care.

Many people could not bare to come into the room... to come up to Matt and I to pay their respects. Many people who did come up to us and pay their respects were sobbing because they had children or babies of their own.

As the line began to dwindle, people took their seats and the service began. Pastor John Hite did Peyton's service. He concentrated on the fact that Peyton was a person - that she was a daughter, granddaughter, great-granddaughter, great-great -granddaughter, niece, and cousin. It was perfect. Matthew read a letter he wrote to Peyton, from the both of us. I was so proud of him. My Aunt Cheryl read a poem.

As the services concluded, I felt so much love in my heart. I had began my grieving process, and I was okay with that.

Christmas & Peytons' Diamonds

I just want to thank everyone for their sweet comments since I posted this blog a few hours ago... the mass amount of Facebook messages and emails I received are so lovely. I promise I will read and respond to each message by the end of tomorrow evening.

A post about Christmas before I go to bed and dream of my sweet angel...

Yesterday was Christmas.

Yesterday was Peyton's 1st Christmas in Heaven.

It didn't feel like Christmas. But it was.

If Peyton were here, we would have wrapped presents for her, and placed them under the tree on Christmas Eve. We would have taken pictures of her in her Christmas outfit (a pink snowman onsie with matching snowflake pants & bib from Macy's) and placed them in her scrapbook. Our family would have ooe'd and ahh'd over her chunky cheeks. Her Great-Grandpa and Papa would have fought over who got to hold her. Truth be told, her Great-Grandpa probably would not have let anyone else hold her.

But that's not how we spent our Christmas... Peyton's 1st Christmas.

There were no presents wrapped for Peyton under the Christmas tree. She didn't wear her Christmas outfit. Her Great-Grandpa and Papa both had empty arms. My heart broke for our family, for Peyton. Our family waited and waited for her arrival, for the holidays we would all spend with her... she was such a bright light to us all, and she was missing this holiday.

Every time I was about to cry yesterday however, I thought of Peyton's Christmas present from her Papa.

Two weeks ago, my father-in-law pulled out a tiny box from his pants pocket, after dinner. He told me he had been walking around with the box in his pocket for a while, but couldn't find a way to give it to me... it was Peyton's Christmas present that he had purchased in August.

We all laughed when I opened the box... a pair of diamond earrings for his little princess. I could only imagine a 5wk old infant with a pair of diamond earrings. We joked about what he would have gotten her for her 16th birthday... it felt so good to laugh! Peyton would have looked beautiful in her diamond earrings. For now they sit in her memory box next to her ashes. One day they will make a lovely gift to a little brother or sister of Peyton's... but for now, Peyton's diamonds are with her.... her first Christmas present.

I am a Mom.

I am Jenna. I am a Mom. I have a daughter. Her name is Peyton. Peyton is my daughter. I am Peyton's Mom.

Peyton has a Dad. His name is Matthew. Peyton is Matthew's daughter. Matthew is Peyton's Dad.

Matthew and I are Peyton's parents. For the rest of our lives Matthew and I will be Peyton's parents.

It feels so good to read those words aloud.

5 weeks and 2 days ago on Saturday November 17th I gave birth to our beautiful and angelic daughter, Peyton Grace, at 8:53p.m. She was 6lbs 15ozs and 20 inches long. Her lips were ruby red, and her head was full of soft dark brown hair. Peyton was perfect in every single way, but her heart was not beating. She never took her first breath or cried. She never looked into my eyes or grasped her tiny  fingers around my hand. Peyton was "stillborn", but she was STILL born. She lived in my womb for 39 weeks before she entered this world... before she was born. Peyton is a person. Peyton is my daughter. Peyton is Matthews' daughter. Peyton is our daughter. She lived, and she died.

On Friday November 16th, Matt and I made our way to Hillcrest Hospital, my Mom following behind us, because of decreased fetal movement and severe lower back pain. I knew something was wrong... I knew I wasn't being "over-cautious". But I hoped, and I prayed that I was wrong. The drive to the hospital Matt and I were completely silent. 

We entered the triage room at roughly 8:30p.m. I was immediately hooked up to fetal monitoring, to monitor Peytons' heartbeat. The machine could not find a heartbeat. The Nurse was silent. She tried to re-adjust the monitoring straps. The machine could still not find a heartbeat. The Nurse left the room. I started to cry. Matt  held my hand. The Nurse returned with a 2nd Nurse. The 2nd Nurse re-adjusted the monitoring straps. Still no heartbeat. The 1st Nurse began crying as the 2nd Nurse informed Matt, my Mom, and myself that there was no heartbeat. She then informed me that my OB would soon be here, but meanwhile I would need a full ultrasound to confirm the loss of my daughters heartbeat. Matt and I cried together. We wished, and hoped, and prayed that it was just a dream. Matt called his parents. My Mom called my Dad. They were on their way. 

I could only imagine how painful it was for my parents and Matt's parents to sit in the triage room with us, watching us cry, unable to do anything for us. I could only imagine how much their hearts hurt for not only us, but for the loss of their 1st grandchild... their precious Peyton. However painful it was for them, they sat with Matt and I, they held their tears back, and they were STRONG for us, for Peyton. 

When my OB arrived at the hospital, he informed me that I would need to be induced immediately. I could not bare the idea of laboring, and delivering my deceased daughter. The pain I imagined seemed too painful emotionally. I was given the choice between cesarean and vaginal birth. I cried to my Mom, and to Matt that I needed the cesarean, that I couldn't do it any other way. They told me I could do the vaginal birth, that it would be healthier for future pregnancies. I trusted them. I chose to be induced. I am so thankful, and grateful I made that decision.

At 1:05a.m. on Saturday November 17th I began the induction process, in a "laboring" room. Matt laid in the hospital bed with me, holding my hand and wiping my tears. Our parents sat on the hard couch, and chairs in our room. I tried so hard to go to sleep, but I couldn't. Matt and our parents drifted off to sleep eventually. I laid there as the tiny bit of hope that I would wake up from this nightmare slowly disappeared into thin air. 

I began pain medicine for my severe back pain. As the pain in my back eased up, I felt the pain in my heart even more. I wanted so badly to scream, to yell, to hit something or someone. But I had nobody to be mad at. So instead I cried. I cried and I cried, until my tears ran dry.

I do not remember much of Saturday November 17th, except the silhouettes of the family members who visited us in our hospital room, and held our hands. I am thankful for our two brothers, Michael and Steve, and our sister-in-law, Lori, whom slept in the hospital waiting room. I am thankful for our parents whom never left the hospital. I am thankful for my 13 year old sister, whom rubbed my feet. I am thankful for our Grandma who held herself together. I am thankful for our Aunts and Uncles, and cousins who were there for us that Saturday. I am so thankful our family was there with us, that we were not alone.

At 8:45p.m. I was ready to deliver. Matt and his Mom, and my Mom were in the delivery room with me. Peyton was delivered with 3 pushes. Peyton was immediately taken out of the room. My OB told us that there was no visual cause of Peyton's death, and that we would have to wait to see if an autopsy could provide us some answers.

The Nurses cleaned Peyton up, and brought her into our room so we could hold, look, and spend time with her. I am so grateful we had that opportunity. 

After everyone left that night, Matt helped me take a shower. We then laid in our hospital bed, just holding and looking at our angel baby... our perfect angel baby. A few minutes after midnight, Pastor John Hite knocked on our hospital room door. At our saddest hour, he sat next to us, and comforted us. Before he left that evening, he blessed our daughter and thanked us for allowing him to meet Peyton. In the days and weeks following that night, I have thought of Pastor John often and the comfort he brought us that night. I will forever hold the time he spent with us and Peyton close to my heart. 

The following morning, Marti Wagner, a photographer from the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Organization, came to the hospital to volunteer her talent. Though we only met briefly, and had never met aside from this experience, Marti touched our heart and left us with a way to look back on our daughters' life with fondness. She provided us with a gift that constantly reminds me of the reality that Matt and I are parents, that we do have a daughter. Marti's beautiful photographs help me to cherish our precious Peyton, whom we only got to share 15 short hours with. I feel so blessed and am forever grateful to be able to embrace these beautiful photographs of our sweet Peyton.

We were released from the hospital on Sunday November 18th at 1:00p.m.

I was wheeled down the halls of Labor & Delivery in a wheelchair... I had a baby, but she was not going home with me. I had a baby, but my arms were empty.

The hardest thing I ever had to do was leave the hospital that day.

I am Jenna. I am a Mom. I have a daughter. Her name is Peyton. Peyton is my daughter. I am Peyton's Mom.

Peyton has a Dad. His name is Matthew. Peyton is Matthew's daughter. Matthew is Peyton's Dad.

Matthew and I are Peyton's parents. For the rest of our lives Matthew and I will be Peyton's parents. How lucky we are!