Life After Stillbirth: Year 9

Trigger Warning: If you have found this post because you have suffered a stillbirth yourself and are new in your grief journey, this blog post may be too harsh for your heart at this time. It is okay to be in different spectrums of grief. In no way is it meant to negate your pain or personal experience. This is my account of life after loss nearly a decade later. It is only my truth.

It has been years since I have hit publish on a blog post. This is not to say that I haven't written posts. I just could not bring myself to click the orange button that reads "publish". I struggled with whether my words needed to be heard or not. My last post has been read 6,000 times. It is a raw and true word straight from my heart; I hope it found those that needed to hear it. Forgiveness is more than okay in grief; It is absolutely necessary. 

Since that post, my heart has not felt that my words held a space in the world of infant loss. Anger no longer plagued me and tears no longer filled my entire days. I questioned if I was actually sane. How could a Mother grieving her infant live a life full of joy? But it's true... my days are joyous and I am at a place in life I could not have imagined 9 years ago.

In the nearly last decade since our loss I have been told, "I don't know how you do it. I just couldn't go on.", more times than I can count. As if I chose this life or spun a wheel and was okay with the worst thing ever happening to me being laying our infant to rest.  Loss is so deeply hard. But hard is not the same as bad. And if you have a moment, I'd like to share the complexity of life after loss. How beauty has truly come from our ashes.

Our beautiful Peyton Grace would be "9" this week. Sometimes I daydream that she is reading aloud to me, or that we're baking bread together. But most often I find myself thanking God for the gifts her life and death brought to my own life. My life is not empty of her, but full of her. 

I was raised in an agnostic and atheist home. I had never read the Word or even held a thought that God truly existed. It was a fable I chose not to interact with. That is until I labored and birthed Peyton. As I held her in my arms in the late hours of November 17th, 2012, a pastor named Jon came to my bedside. In my darkest hours he held my hand. He blessed Peyton. In the hours that Jon sat with me I felt quite literally held. I was not alone. He was with me.

Jon heard our story that November evening and he felt that the most important place for him to be in that time was with us. Because he made that choice, that one choice, he changed my life. Our daughter died. And then Christ found me. 

This is not to say that I was not angry, or that I did not want to end my own life after our loss. Because I was angry and I did not want to exist without our baby. That is a different part of our story, however. In earlier posts, the anger and sadness is so apparent. The first few years after our loss were hard. Definitely. I struggled with depression and post-partum depression, and even now I have anxiety that I sometimes have to take medication for. Our journey was not ideal, and even now, I have wounds that cannot heal; they simply exist as part of myself. 

Through the years however, I have seen with my own eyes how God worked through Peyton and used her life and death for goodness. 

I will not go into details here, as I have explained in earlier posts already, but after Peyton passed away the OB I had been seeing and the pathologist both refused to meet with me to go over the autopsy. This led me on a wild goose hunt to find someone knowledgable that could go over the autopsy with us. This led me to Dr. K. The first time I met Dr. K, I walked out of the room and told my husband, "I never want to see this woman again. I don't like her!" She told me difficult, yet true, things. Alas, Dr. K assisted us in getting pregnant with our oldest son. She later induced me at 34 weeks because of a placental abruption saving his life. Years later, she helped us have our 2nd son and then a daughter, both also premies and both also saved by Dr. K due to placental abruptions. Only because of Peyton did I come to know and love Dr. K.

God promises us that he will try us. God doesn't say that he won't allow us to go through hard things. He does not say that life will be easy. But he does promise to strengthen us. He does promise to shape our hearts. 

When I was pregnant with Peyton I was on the path to self destruction and sin. I was not a very good person. I cared solely about myself. Peyton is wrapped tightly in the arms of Jesus and I know her brief life was just the amount of time God planned for her. We do not get to choose how our own lives or our children's lives will be used - but I have come to know and understand that Peyton's life, saved my own. Because my daughter lived, I know Jesus. How amazing is that? In walking with the Lord, I have seen that many of the hard events in my life were not meant to cause me pain and anguish, but to turn me to the Lord and shape my heart in his image.

I am so grateful that I know Jesus because of my beautiful baby. My children know Jesus because of their big sister. I look at my life, and it's so apparent... Peyton is everywhere. 

Our Faith has been formed and continually strengthened because our daughter lived. I cannot begin to understand why this had to happen for the last nine years to play out the way they did - but I trust in Christ and also see how everything is interconnected. Our life today could not exist without our painful past. 

Saudade is the only word that comes close to explaining the feeling of life after loss. Peyton was absolutely beautiful. I see her in our oldest, Matthew. Their faces are the same. She is numbered among our family - our children count her among their siblings. Matthew, Ellis, and Abigail know her name, they know her face, and they know that her life led to their lives. Our children know that each one of them were always meant to exist in God's plan, in the very order he determined - Peyton, then Matthew, then Ellis, and lastly, Abigail. 

To our sweet Peyton Grace - Wishing you a heavenly 9th birthday. Half a breath, and I can see you again. In the parallel of a life that should be ours, but is not, you blow out the candles... love you our sweet P.

A Letter to my Ex-OB

This afternoon I printed, addressed, sealed, and mailed a letter that I have wanted to write for nearly 3 years now. 

Dr. Daniel Rzepka of University Hospitals, 

In the parallel of a life that should be mine but is not, there is a preschool class I would be making cupcakes for next week. They would be to celebrate my daughter, Peyton’s, 3^rd birthday. It has taken me all of these 3 years to sit down and gather my emotions to write you this letter. To admit the fact that you neglected my concerns, my health, and my daughter’s life.

Just over 3 years ago, early in my 3^rd trimester of pregnancy, I saw you for a regular visit. You asked me if I had any questions or concerns since the last time I saw you and I told you I did. I told you that I was experiencing an extreme itch on the palms of my hands and soles of my feet, but there was no rash. I told you how miserable I felt. You insisted that everything was fine, that it was just pregnancy hormones and so you prescribed me Benadryl. Nevertheless, the itching continued, only getting worse. The itching got so intense that I was scratching my skin open. With no idea of where to turn, I turned to the internet. I found stories of women with symptoms identical to mine that suffered from Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy (ICP). I spent hours on www.icpcare.org reading everything I could on ICP. I called your office as soon as I felt that I truly did have a problem. When I spoke to you, I requested a fractioned bile acid test and a liver function test. You insisted that I did not need these tests, but I did not take no for an answer this time. You told me you put the order in and that I could go to the nearest lab to have the blood work done. A few days later, I saw you for a regular scheduled office visit at 35 weeks gestation. The results from the blood work were back. You told me that although my LFT’s were elevated there was no cause for concern since I had an otherwise healthy pregnancy. I later learned you did not order the fractioned bile acid test. I began to cry to you as I questioned the risk of fetal distress and stillbirth. I told you that I knew this was not right… I begged you to do something. I will always remember the exact words you stated to me, in your cold and harsh voice, with a laugh to follow, as I cried, “You have to look at the population as a whole… you have a greater chance of walking out of my office today and getting hit by a bus.” You will never truly understand how I wish I were hit by that bus that day.

I searched for an obstetrician that would see me for a second opinion so late in my pregnancy, but I was offered appointments after my due date. With a knot in my stomach, I remained in your care. I saw you for my last office visit on Wednesday November 14, 2012. Though the itching was still present, you told me that Peyton would be making her arrival in the next day or so as I was dilated and effaced. You were right, mostly.

On Friday November 16^th, I called your office and spoke to a nurse. I was experiencing back labor and had not felt Peyton move. You quickly called me from home and instructed me to go to Hillcrest, and that you would meet me there. In the parallel, this should have been one of the greatest days of my life. When I arrived at the hospital, I was taken into triage in Labor and Delivery immediately and hooked up to fetal monitoring. The nurse could not find placement. The second nurse could not either. I waited in a room for 45 minutes longer, crying, as I waited for you to arrive, for you to tell me what I already knew - “There is no heart beat.”

As you continued talking, almost casually, I pleaded you to tell me if her death could be related to Cholestasis. You insisted that this was not a result of Cholestasis because I did not have it. You told me that things like this happen. That you were sure when Peyton was delivered that there would be a cause of death, like a cord incident. You did not tell me how immensely sorry you were or that together we would find the cause of Peyton’s death. In fact, you never even spoke her name. Instead, you continued on that your “…wife is at home so upset and crying…” Next thing I knew you were discussing my delivery. Then, you were gone.

I suffered an excruciating labor and delivery. On November 17^th at 8:53p.m Dr. Snelson assisted me in delivering Peyton. She was 6lbs 15ozs and 20 inches long. Her lips were ruby red, and her head was full of soft dark brown hair. Peyton was perfect in every single way, but her heart was not beating.

I want you to know that I needed you. You were my doctor. Moreover, you walked away from me. We never spoke again. However, your actions dangled over my life for months to follow.

Peyton was born deceased on November 17, 2012. The paper work for her death certificate was submitted by my husband and I, and Maryann, from the funeral home, immediately. You and Dr. Snelson, however, did not submit your portion of the paper work for the death certificate. Maryann would call me weekly to see if I had heard anything from your office concerning the death certificate. I left message after message for you, but never received a phone call back. Maryann also attempted to contact your office several times. After thirteen long weeks, I called your office to inform you that if I did not receive the death certificate in a timely matter (the funeral home told us that death certificates usually take a week to fill out and file, and families usually receive the certificate at the funeral) that I would seek legal counsel. The receptionist I spoke with for the umpteenth time informed me that I would hear from someone by the end of the day. No one returned my phone call that day, or even the next day. I waited another three days and called back, stating the same thing. Still, no one returned my phone call.

I decided that it would be best to get into contact with the President of Hillcrest Hospital vs. someone at University Hospitals because we had a wonderful experience with Hillcrest and we delivered at their facility. They also conducted Peyton's autopsy and other examinations at the Cleveland Clinic Main Campus. When I called Hillcrest's information desk I asked to be directly transferred to the President's voicemail. I left a very nice but firm message, and within an hour I received a call back. He personally told me that he was going to transfer me over to someone who would be able to walk through the rest of this process with me, but if that I did not have the certificate in my hands by Monday to call him back.

The woman I spoke to was in contact with Maryann and your office that day. The death certificate was filed on Wednesday February 27, 2013. Maryann called us that Friday and informed us we could pick the certificate up from the funeral home in the morning. On Saturday March 2, 2013, after fifteen long weeks, the death certificate was in my hands.

Additionally, I fought to receive the autopsy…. an autopsy that you did not sit down with me to discuss. I however did find a wonderful Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist who explained Peyton’s autopsy to me. Peyton had a subgaleal brain hemorrhage and thrombosis of the umbilical vein and proximal umbilical cord. However, the gross and microscopic findings suggest "subacute abruptio placentae" which led to meconium release and increased circulating nucleated red blood cells to be "at least" a contributing cause of Peyton's death. Peyton had several blood clots in the umbilical cord and the maternal section of the placenta. Blood was built up behind the placenta. The placenta also had a concealed abruption, which probably happened over the course of a few days to a week.

After undergoing genetic testing, my husband and I became pregnant again. The Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist that discussed Peyton’s autopsy with me saw me exclusively through my subsequent pregnancy. She treated me for Cholestasis of Pregnancy beginning in my 2^nd trimester of pregnancy. In my 34^th week of pregnancy, she suspected a placental abruption and induced me immediately. My son, Matty, turned 2 last month. He is a happy and healthy toddler.

I want you to know that you could have been proactive. You could have listened, really listened to my concerns. You could have treated me as if you would wish someone treated your wife and your children. However, you did not. I want you to understand exactly what happened the day I was not hit by that bus.

Your actions, or lack thereof, have left a deep impact on my life. I did not just lose my baby. I lost a toddler, a preschooler, a ballet dancer… a little girl and a young woman I will never know. In the parallel, there is an entire lifetime of memories that should have been mine, should have been Peyton’s, but are not.  

I held onto a lot of anger, resentment, sadness, and pain towards you for a long time, and maybe I still do. However, I do want you to know that although your actions have completely broken my heart and my spirit, I have been able to positively grieve the immense loss that is my daughter because of the people who did not walk away. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, an organization that provides infant remembrance photography to parents experiencing the loss of their infant gifted us photographs of Peyton. We held a fundraiser in April of 2013 to give back to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. We are also actively involved in the infant loss community and bringing awareness to Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy.

Though nothing will ever take away the fact that we live our life without our daughter, I am asking you to take time to learn about Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy and its treatment to ensure no one else suffers as we did under your care.


I forgive you. 

Belated Thank You's: Peyton's Baby Shower

On Sunday October 28th 2012 our family and friends gathered to welcome Miss Peyton Grace into the world. My Mom and Mother-in-Law worked tirelessly in the weeks before our shower to ensure that everything was perfect. It was an absolutely perfect day!

There were beautiful balloons and decorations. Pink plates, napkins, silverware, table cloths, and flower centerpieces. Assorted beverages, snacks, handmade chocolates, bakery, yummy stuffed cabbages, mashed potatoes, salad, and pizza's. And of course, the cake. Andrea, my Mom's best friend, ordered the cake and cupcakes... a lady bug and sunflower. The cake was beyond gorgeous!

Guests signed a photo frame and plate with their names and messages for Miss Peyton. Since we had so many guests we were not able to play games. I had such a wonderful time sitting down and visiting with everyone, and talking about what a gift Motherhood is.

After everyone ate, Matt and I opened Peyton's presents. She kicked the entire time and Matt joked with me that she knew this party was all for her. My Mom and Mother-in-Law asked guests to bring Peyton a children's book in lieu of a card, with a special message written inside for her to read as she grew older. We received so many beautiful books! My favorite book we received was "Pebble's: Daddy's Girl!" I read it over and over the week before Peyton was born. We displayed the book at Peyton's funeral and the book now lays under Peyton's Memory Box that holds her ashes. We decided that Peyton's books would be a wonderful gift to Matthew Jr. from his big sister. Many of the books, except a select few that I decided I would one day pass down to a future daughter or other special little girl in my life, are now displayed on a shelf in Matthew's nursery between the beautiful book ends that we received from my cousin's Lyndsey and Ashley at Peyton's shower. Matthew Jr. loves to be read his big sister's books.

Our entire pregnancy our Mom's kept telling Matt and I not to buy anything until after our baby shower, so we only bought little things like a pack of diapers here and there. The day of our shower we learned that our Mom's were more than right! Matt and I were so blessed to receive nearly everything we needed for Miss Peyton at her shower and many people gave us money to use for the things we did not receive. The week after our shower we used the money we received to buy little things we did not receive at our shower like a diaper bag and baby monitors. We were incredibly fortunate to be set on clothing up to 18mons and diapers & wipes to last Peyton's entire "diaper stage".

My absolute favorite gift that received was a quilt my Grandma Donna made for Peyton. It was a monkey and pin wheel quilt. The funny thing is that my Grandma had no idea that monkey's were our theme for Peyton when she making the quilt. The quilt was with Peyton at the hospital and it stayed with her at the funeral home. During the funeral services the quilt laid under Peyton's casket. The quilt now hangs over Peyton's mini-rocking chair with her Monkey, Baby.

I have nothing but beautiful memories of Peyton's baby shower.To our guests that attended Peyton's shower, and to those that couldn't make it but sent a card or a gift, please know that Matt and I were so incredibly grateful... we still are.

Because we were so incredibly blessed I wanted to write in each thank you card how thankful we were. Between baby laundry and naps I worked on the thank you cards. Once I was done writing every one's thank you card I began to stamp and address them. There were addresses that I needed to get from my Mom and Mother-in-Law, so I mailed the ones that were completed and put to the side the ones that still needed addresses. Many people received their thank you card on the Saturday Peyton was born and some guests never received their thank you card because I couldn't bare to mail them after Peyton's death.

For months after our loss and even until just recently I contemplated on sending out the rest of the cards. It was something that I felt that I needed to do but could not actually do. Eventually, I decided that those that did not receive a thank you card understood. There was no reason to put myself through the daunting task of sending out the rest of the thank you cards.

A handful of the gift and all of the diapers & wipes we received we donated to Womankind, a center for pregnant woman, in Garfield Heights, OH just days after Peyton passed away. Some of the gifts, specifically clothing, are packed away, in hopes that one day we may have another baby girl. Many of the gifts we received however, are now used by Peyton's little brother, Matthew, who is now 5 months old.

Looking back, Peyton's baby shower was a very important part in my healing. There will never be enough words to express how grateful I am to have these memories... I cherish them with my whole heart.

A Rainbow Baby is Born

I am sure many of you understand that the stress I was under, as I was reaching the end of my rainbow pregnancy, was nearly unbearable. Would something go wrong? Would we lose this baby too? If something did go wrong, would we be okay? The questions I asked myself on a daily basis make me cry now. 

Everyday for the past several months I have thought about the night I would sit down and write this post. It has taken everything in me to sit here tonight and share this experience with you.

The Road to Our Rainbow Baby

For the first 20 weeks of my rainbow pregnancy I saw my MFM every 2 weeks with an ultrasound every 3 to 4 weeks. At 20 weeks I was seeing my MFM weekly with an ultrasound every 2 weeks. By 27 weeks I saw my MFM twice a week along with non-stress tests (NST's) and biophysical profiles (BPP's) at each appointment.

My pregnancy was not physically challenging though I did have my hurdles to jump over. Mentally, however, I was taxed. I was diagnosed with mild to severe depression at 24 weeks. I opted to try other ways to deal with my depression instead of medicine. I am so happy that I made that decision for myself and Matty.

When we first discussed becoming pregnant again with Dr. Kalan, we planned on induction at 38 weeks. In September, however, Dr. Kalan and I agreed that induction at 37 weeks would be most appropriate. We scheduled my induction for October 16th.

On Thursday October 3rd I was experiencing period like cramping... I felt as if at any moment I would begin gushing blood. I called Dr. Kalan's office and she informed me that she was not in town but that I needed to come into the office immediately. When I got to the office I was immediately put on to the NST. I failed. From there I had a BPP. I failed that as well. I was then admitted to L&D for a 24hr observation. By Friday morning we knew that I was having mild and oddly spaced contractions, which they called "uterine irritability", but that baby had a perfect heart rate and labor was not in my near future. I was discharged that afternoon. I was told to rest until my induction day in 12 days and to keep all of my scheduled appointments.

On Tuesday October 8th I made my usual 7:45am Tuesday morning drive to Hillcrest Hospital for my NST and BPP. I walked into the office at 8:15am. My Nurse, Brandy, took me back to the NST room almost immediately. As she was placing the monitors on my belly we talked about my plans for the rest of the day. I was hoping that my tests would go quickly so that I could go to go to Panera for lunch and have Mac & Cheese before I headed to work. But, I failed my NST and BPP.

Dr. Kalan repeated my BPP herself. Again, I failed. She began asking me a bunch of questions... When was the last time I felt the baby move? I wasn't sure. Did I have sexual intercourse in the last 12 hours? No. Have I experienced any heaving bleeding... any bleeding at all? No. Did I use recreational drugs throughout my pregnancy? Of course not. Was I still experiencing the period like cramping I had been experiencing on Thursday? Yes. The questions seemed all too similar to the questions I was asked the night we lost Peyton. Dr. Kalan left the room. I sat there by myself for a minute... I thought I was all alone. And then the door opened and in walked my wonderful Nurse, Brandy, who I saw at nearly every appointment. She sat with me until Dr. Kalan came back in.

Dr. Kalan informed me that that I would be having an amniocentesis to check for lung maturity and to see what we would be facing when I would be induced that afternoon. They weren't exactly sure what was happening but there was a huge possibility that I was having a severe placenta abruption. They wouldn't be sure until I delivered though. Because of my obstetric history, they were taking no chances.

The amniocentesis was worse than labor itself. Brandy held my hand the entire time. In the background I could hear my cell phone ringing and ringing... Matt was calling. After the amniocentesis I was hooked up to the NST to monitor baby's heart rate. I returned Matt's call then. We decided that we would wait until my amnio results came back for him to leave work. He called my parents and in-laws.

Not even half an hour later my amnio results were back. Dr. Kalan felt that lung maturity was reached and that if a NICU stay was needed it would be short. Dr. Kalan called over to L&D for someone to transport me over but they were full... yes, FULL! Actually, they were overflowing with pregnant women about to give birth. There was an induction scheduled at 3pm that afternoon however that they were able to push back to the next day so I could be induced. Essentially, I was cutting in line and I didn't even feel bad!

I was allowed to get lunch before I was admitted into L&D, so I decided I would go home to meet up with Matt and to grab my hospital bag. Before I left the office Brandy gave me a huge hug and wished me the best of luck. Dr. Kalan said that she would not be able to deliver me but that she was off the next day and would come and check up on me. I cried tears of happiness, tears of fear, and tears of release on my way home. When I got home Matt and I stood and hugged one another for a moment. The time was finally here... but how? How did we make it this far? We drove back to Hillcrest together. Our drive to Hillcrest this time was much different our drive with Peyton. We talked.... we laughed... we listened to music. At 3pm we checked into L&D, ready to have a baby.


At 4pm I began the induction process with Cervadil (I was already 2cm dilated) in a triage room. My contractions began almost immediately. By 11:30pm my contractions were a minute apart, each lasting a minute.They followed the same pattern that my uterine irritability had been charting over the last few days. I was in so much pain and the contractions were affecting baby's heart rate so the Cervadil was removed. At 1am I began Pitocin to keep things moving. Just before 3am we were transferred to a labor and delivery room. A little after 3am I received my epidural. At 4:15am my water broke and I was 7cm. At 4:50am I was ready to push.

Happy BIRTHday

I began pushing at 4:56am. During my second push the doctor who was delivering me asked if I could wait a second. Matty was delivered with my next push at 4:59am. Matt, our Mom's, and I cried as the doctor lifted Matty up. He cried. It was so beautiful. Then, he was placed on my chest. I watched him take a breath... and then another... and another after that. He was my baby and he was living.

Matthew "Matty" John Lunger Jr. was born at 35 weeks. He was 6lbs 5ozs and 19 inches long. He had a head full of brown hair and blue eyes. He was the spitting image of his Dad. 

Matty spent his first half hour on my chest and nursed like a champ right away. He was then taken up to the nursery to be observed for his breathing. Matt went with him and sat outside of the nursery. I fell asleep. I was woken up by a nurse who told me that I lost a lot of blood during delivery... too much blood. I hemorrhaged badly. She informed me that I would stay on the Pitocin until 3pm. At that time my blood work would be redone to see if I needed a blood transfusion.

An hour later Matt and Matty returned to my room. We then prepared to be transferred to a postpartum room. Our parents said goodbye to us and that they would see us later that day. Once we got settled into our room I realized what had just happened... WE HAD A BABY!!! Matt, Matty, and I enjoyed our first few hours together.

At 3pm my blood was taken again and sent off to the lab. For the most part my bleeding had slowed down. My blood work came back within the hour and my levels were increasing which signaled that a transfusion was not necessary (thank goodness!). I was taken off of the pitocin and pain medications at 6pm. I was so excited because that meant I finally could take a shower!

After our parents and visitors left, Matt and I prepared for our first night with our precious Matty. I took my first shower while Matt and Matty cuddled up together. I kept asking myself "Is this real?". Our first night was perfect. Our first morning was even more perfect. The nurses talked about discharging us that day, but I was not comfortable with that. Sometime during the day, Dr. Kalan stopped to visit me. It meant so much to me! She gave me some words of encouragement and said that she would see me in 6 weeks to discuss the placenta pathology report.

Later that day, we had several visitors. After everyone left that evening we began to get ready for bed. Then, a nurse came into our room and informed us that Matty was jaundice, and I would either need to start pumping milk or they would start giving him formula. Immediately they began hooking Matty up under the billilights and a nurse assisted me with how to work the breast pump. We were never given any clear information. Matt and I were both scared. We did not understand what was happening.

Matty screamed all night under the billilights. He hated it so much! I hated it even more. As he screamed, I pumped milk for him. Later, we learned more information about jaundice and why I would need to pump. To get rid of the jaundice we needed to increase Matty's feedings, so we needed to know exactly how much he was consuming. The only way to do that was to bottle feed with either breast milk or formula. Without any questions I new that exclusively pumping was the right decision.

After a long night and morning, we were finally released under the condition that Matty would be seen by the Pediatrician first thing Monday morning.. Our first days home were completely beautiful. On Monday, we learned that Matty's jaundice had gotten increasingly worse. A nurse came to our house and hooked up a billiblanket for Matty to wear 24/7. We went every morning for a week to the hospital for blood work. By the end of the week Matty's levels were not increasing and he was aloud to be taken off of the billiblanket. Matty was jaundice for his first 8 weeks. Looking back, it doesn't seem like such a big deal... but at the time my heart was shaking. After such a long journey I did not think that I could handle anything else.

Answers

In November I had my 6 week postpartum appointment with Dr. Kalan. She informed me that clinically I suffered from a severe placenta abruption. Cleveland Clinic disposed of my placenta instead of following Dr. Kalan's orders to send the placenta to pathology so we do not know exactly what caused the placenta abruption. As much as I want to be angry that after everything we have been through we still do not have answers, I cannot be. Dr. Kalan and her entire staff were so good to me throughout my entire pregnancy. At the end of the day I have Matty... and that is all that matters right now. Dr. Kalan was able to tell me that my abruption with Peyton and my abruption with Matty were very similar, we just do not know what caused them at 39 and 35 weeks gestation. In future pregnancies I will not carry past 35 weeks gestation. For that reason alone, I am not sure that we will ever conceive again.

When we lost Peyton I believed that another pregnancy would not only fill my empty heart but bring me the answers that I so desperately needed. Matty brought us happiness again, that is true. But, my heart still aches. I think often about what would have happened if Dr. Kalan did not insist on immediate delivery - what would have happened if she had not been my doctor. My pregnancy with Matty did not bring us answers, instead it brought us more questions.


Now

I could talk for days about how amazing our life is... how completely wonderful the world is now because Matty is in it. But, I won't.

Instead, I will share with you snapshots of our life.

Her Death Brought Me to Life

In the midst of living, most days, I somehow forget how much pain I really am in... I somehow forget how painful losing a perfectly healthy full-term baby girl is... I somehow forget how painful life after loss really is.

But every now and then...

I go back to that night.

I go back to the minutes before I gave birth to our deceased daughter.

I go back to the days, and weeks, and even months following our loss.

I go back...

And then I start questioning myself...

How did I let this happen?

How did Peyton's death not kill me or at least throw me into a depression where I couldn't leave the house for months?

Does the hope that I've held onto make me a bad Mother?

Why am I being given a second chance?

How did I get to this point in time?

No matter the answer's to those questions there is one thing I cannot deny: I am alive.

On the morning following Peyton's death and birth we met a woman with a camera. Marti Wagner, a photographer who volunteers her time with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, photographed Peyton. Little did I know at that time that this woman would become one of my very best friends and my personal angel on earth. I didn't learn until after Marti left that morning that she was a volunteer and that these photographs would not cost Matt and I anything. After Marti left my Mom informed me that Marti was a volunteer and exactly what she had just done for Matt and I; for our family. It was then that I cried my first set of healing tears.

A little over a week later we received a medium sized envelope in the mail. Inside was a note from Marti along with a CD of Peyton's photographs and a personalized DVD slide show. Minutes later Matt and I sat holding one another, watching the DVD. The DVD was absolutely beautiful. Peyton's beautiful photographs were set to special music. As I sat there watching the slide show I imagined the work that went into Marti editing the photographs; the time she must have invested. In the photographs you could not even tell that we were in a hospital bed, let alone that Peyton was already deceased. And then a picture of Matt kissing Peyton's forehead appeared on our television screen... and it was then that I cried my second set of healing tears.

Matt and I sent Marti a Happy Holiday's card in mid-December, along with a thank you card for the gift that she had given us that holiday season. Just a few days later we received a Happy Holiday's card from Marti in the mail. I thought that would be the last time we would exchange words with Marti. But it was not.

In January, Matt and I started off the new year by taking an extended-weekend getaway. We made the decision to begin trying to conceive for our rainbow baby that weekend. It was then that I cried my third set of healing tears. For whatever reason, Matt loved me... truly loved me. I realized it that weekend.

A few weeks later we began a 9 week support group for infant loss at Cornerstone of Hope that was held every Saturday morning for 2 hours. It was at our first group meeting that I cried my fourth set of healing tears. My heart broke that the people that sat in the same room with Matt and I shared our pain... that they knew the deep, dark, painful secrets of neonatal and infant loss. But my heart felt so good that for the first time since we lost Peyton that I was surrounded by people with who I could talk about my baby openly... freely... without feeling like I was the dark cloud on someones otherwise sunny day.

In the following weeks we learned about the lives of Robbie, Joey, Frankie, Nicolo Jr., and Jacob and how their parents were living their own lives after loss. There were many Saturday mornings that I would go home and cry because I wish I could have personally met each of the boys. I was so honored to share in each of these couples journeys, and to share our journey with them. I was especially honored to share in Allison and Joe's journey of pregnancy after loss.

In February we began planning a fundraiser in honor of Peyton, benefiting the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Organization. I spent weeks exchanging emails and phone calls with several women from NILMDTS. In March, Mindy Tapaan from NILMDTS asked me if it would be okay that she contact our NILMDTS photographer, Marti, to see if she would like to participate in our fundraiser. I immediately shrieked "YES!", on the phone. Within the hour Mindy was calling me back informing me that Marti would be in contact with me and that she would love to be involved in our fundraiser. I spoke to Marti on the phone later that day. She said that she would see us on April 27th with her camera and that she would like to donate a photography session for our Chinese Raffle.

On February 26th we learned we were expecting our rainbow baby. It was then that I cried my fifth set of healing tears.


On April 27th Marti and I were reunited at our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Fundraiser in honor of our daughter, Peyton. We were overjoyed to share that special night with Marti and her husband, Lou.

With the help of family and friends, and Marti and her husband, Lou, we raised over $2,800 in Peyton's name for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

It was that night that I cried my sixth set of healing tears.

It was truly an amazing evening!

About a week later Gina Harris, from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, called me and personally thanked Matt and I for our fundraiser. She asked me if I would like to sit on NILMDTS's Parent Committee. I was overwhelmed with joy! I of course accepted.

It was then that I cried my seventh set of healing tears.






On May 17th we celebrated Peyton's half birthday with our parents and siblings, just as we would have if she were alive. We had yummy food and a special half birthday Monkey cake, in honor of Peyton.

We celebrated the beauty that she brought into our lives... the gift that she truly was and STILL is.

It was such a beautiful evening. Later that evening I cried my eighth set of healing tears.

The next day, May 18th, I had an elective ultrasound at Babywaves in Independence, OH to learn the gender of baby Matty. My in-laws, sister in law, little sister, and brother in law joined me for the ultrasound. My Mom and Matt both had to work that day. Around 1:40pm we learned that we were expecting a baby boy, Matthew Jr. In the bathroom after the ultrasound I cried my ninth set of healing tears... suddenly it was so real - we are having a baby!

On May 29th our baby loss friends, Allison and Joe, welcomed their rainbow baby, Anika, into the world. It was then that I cried my tenth set of healing tears, and even now it still makes me cry happy tears. Allison's pregnancy after loss was inspiring and Anika's birth gave me so much hope.

On July 20th my parent's had a surprise birthday party for me. Our baby loss friends Katy and Frank were there along with Allison and Miss Anika. That evening Katy and Frank shared with us that they are expecting their rainbow baby. I did not cry. Instead, I was overwhelmed with immense happiness!

At the beginning of August I completed an interview for an online parenting magazine for an article about our loss and Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I answered questions about my pregnancy with Peyton, the night we lost Peyton, our experience with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, our life after loss, and our current pregnancy. The entire interview had me in tears, beginning to finish. I wish I did not have the experience that aloud me to participate in such an article and many of the tears that I cried were full of pain. After I submitted the interview however, I felt EMPOWERED and PROUD to share Peyton's story and my journey after loss... that is when I cried my latest set of healing tears.

Recently, I began teaching swim lessons again. Something that I was just not able to do after Peyton's death. I teach mainly Mini (baby) Classes, which was something I so badly wanted to do, but was sure I would not be able to emotionally do. Surprisingly, this has been the most HEALING piece in my journey of life after loss. There are babies that are the same age Peyton would be in my classes... and they bring me JOY!

The purpose of this post is to give you a glimpse into my absolutely BEAUTIFUL journey of life after loss... to share my healing tears and healing experiences with you. My daughter died and for some reason I survived her death. Then, I survived her birth. And after that I survived her funeral. For months after I found myself "surviving" or "getting through" another day. And then, I found myself living... truly living... for the first time in my entire life.

A quote I merely glimpsed, after Peyton passed away, now means so much to me: "It is the deepest pain that empowers you to grow into your highest self."

The pain from Peyton's death is with me always. But that pain has brought so much GOOD into my life that it is hard to concentrate on only the pain. I look back at who I was before I became pregnant with Peyton; before I became a baby loss Mom... I am such a better person for knowing Peyton, for being her Mom.



I would like to share a song that I listen to nearly every day - a song that I feel explains the reason for healing tears and healing experiences. Peyton is my bluebird.

I hope it brings you the hope and peace that it constantly brings me.

Stillbirth: Death, Birth, Certification of Birth, and Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth Certificates

Matt and I were first time parents when Peyton was born. We had little knowledge of what it took to be some one's parent let alone where to begin in planning a baby's funeral and memorializing their life. We were lucky to have our parents and Nurses take the lead in contacting the funeral home, Pastor John Hite, and Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and assist in filling out hospital paper work. At the time, and even now, it was not something I could have even thought of, let alone actually do.

I remember at some point after Peyton's birth my Mom coming into my room with a Nurse and handing me a clipboard with several papers attached to it. They tried their hardest not to tell me what the pre filled out paper work was for, but I knew. It was for Peyton's death certificate. I looked at my Mom questionably waiting for some sort of explanation. Peyton was born. I labored and birthed her over the course of twenty hours. She lived. And yes, I understand she did die. But, first she lived.

In order to die you must first be alive. And Peyton was alive. She was very much alive. More alive than I will ever be again. 

My Mom and the Nurse explained to me however, that I would not receive a birth certificate. But why? I know Peyton lived. She loved to place her feet in my ribs and push out towards my belly with her tiny hands. She loved to do somersaults when she heard her Daddy's voice. She constantly was punching my stomach, making me toss my dinner. She had a HEARTBEAT... a beautiful and strong heartbeat. And then, she did not.

I was told that in order to receive a birth certificate you must be a live birth. And I understand that, though I do not agree with it. Peyton died inside of me while attached to me by the umbilical cord.... a part of me died; yet I am still considered alive. Maybe I think too much in depth about things, but it did not make sense to me then and it does not make sense to me now. 

Almost immediately following Peyton's death I became addicted to researching how I could preserve my daughter's life... anything that I could get my hands on that said she was indeed ALIVE, I needed. I promised myself I would stop at nothing.

In my research I discovered that some states have something called a MISSing Angels Bill. To watch the video for the bill please follow this link - http://www.missingangelsbill.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=76&Itemid=61. Ohio is not one of those states. Ohio does offer a Certification of Birth, which was once called a Certificate of Stillbirth. It is a document that states your baby was indeed born, but is vastly different than a Birth Certificate and a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. I am currently working on a petition to help pass the MISSing Angels Bill in Ohio. Please look for that in the future. Anyways, in order to file for the Certification of Birth you must have a copy of the death certificate and it must be on file with the Department of Vital Statistics. Though the cost of a Fetal Death Certificate is $21.50, a Certification of Birth is free.

Peyton was born deceased on November 17, 2012. The paper work for her death certificate was submitted by Matt and I, and Maryann, from the funeral home, immediately. The OB that followed me through my pregnancy and his partner, who delivered me, however, did not submit their portion of the paper work for the death certificate. Maryann would call me weekly to see if I had heard anything from the OB's office concerning the death certificate. I left message after message for the two OB's, but never received a phone call back. Maryann also attempted to contact the OB's office several times. After thirteen long weeks, I decided to call the OB's office one last time and let them know if I did not receive the death certificate in a timely matter (the funeral home told us that death certificates usually take a week to fill out and file, and families usually receive the certificate at the funeral) that I would seek legal counsel. The receptionist I spoke with for the umpteenth time informed me that I would hear from someone by the end of the day. No one returned my phone call that day, or even the next day. I waited another three days and called back, stating the same thing. Still, no one returned my phone call.

The two OB's were with University Hospitals, but because of my insurance I delivered at Hillcrest Hospital, a part of Cleveland Clinic. I decided that it would be best to get into contact with the President of Hillcrest Hospital vs. someone at University Hospitals because we had a wonderful experience with Hillcrest and we delivered at their facility. They also conducted Peyton's autopsy and other examinations at the Cleveland Clinic Main Campus. When I called Hillcrest's information desk I asked to be directly transferred to the President's voicemail. I left a very nice but firm message, and within an hour I received a call back. He personally told me that he was going to transfer me over to someone who would be able to walk through the rest of this process with me, but if that I did not have the certificate in my hands by Monday to call him back.

The woman I spoke to was in contact with Maryann and the OB's office that day. The death certificate was filed on Wednesday February 27, 2013. Maryann called us that Friday and informed us we could pick the certificate up from the funeral home in the morning. On Saturday March 2, 2013, after fifteen long weeks, the death certificate was in MY hands.

I mailed the paper work for the Certification of Birth to the Columbus, Ohio Department of Vital Statistics on Monday March 4, 2013. About a month later I received a letter denying my request for a Certification of Birth because the death certificate was not on file. I immediately called the Columbus office and left a message asking for more of an explanation. After faxing a copy of the death certificate I was told to expect something in the mail within the next few weeks. On May 2, 2013 I received Peyton's Certification of Birth in the mail. It was the happiest moment I have had since we lost our sweet Peyton, but I believe that when the MISSing Angels Bill is passed in Ohio I will be even happier. I will stop at nothing.

If you or someone you know has lost a baby to stillbirth and want to file for a Certification of Birth with the State of Ohio the following links will help you do so. If you have any questions, need any guidance, plea or would like to help with bringing the MISSing Angels Bill to Ohio please email me directly at jredarowicz@gmail.com.

http://dispatchpolitics.dispatch.com/content/blogs/the-daily-briefing/2013/04/4-25-13-stillbirth.html (This short article states the change in Certificate of Stillbirth to Certification of Birth. AWESOME!)

http://www.odh.ohio.gov/vitalstatistics/vitalmisc/fetaldth.aspx (Information on Fetal Death Certificate and Certification of Birth.)

http://www.odh.ohio.gov/~/media/ODH/ASSETS/Files/vs/general/applicationform.ashx (This is the form you will need to print and fill out for the certificate.)

http://www.missingangelsbill.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=76&Itemid=61 (Information on the MISSing Angels Bill & video.)

Two Are Better Than One

It's been over seven months since we said hello and goodbye to our baby girl. We are currently twenty-two weeks and two days pregnant with our rainbow baby, Matthew Jr. On October 15th we will have an amniocentesis  to check on baby Matty's lungs. If his lungs are fully developed I will be induced immediately. We will be thirty-seven weeks. That means that we have a little less than fifteen weeks left in our pregnancy. When I deliver I will have been pregnant for nearly twenty months straight.

Quite often people will tell me things like "I don't know how you do it..." and "You are so strong! I couldn't go through what you did and become pregnant again...". The truth is though that I am not alone in this journey. Not only do I have a wonderful support system that consists of our families and friends, but I have a wonderful man walking next to me in this journey of life after loss. Although Matt and I grieve completely different, he is my rock; my strength. Today I would like to share with you how wonderful of a partner and Father, Matt is. And how lucky I am to be walking, sometimes crawling, this journey with him.

 As much as I would like to say that Peyton was a planned pregnancy, she was not. Both Matt and I did not see children in our future and when we found out I was pregnant we were both very hesitant and scared. Matt immediately stepped up to the plate however and within days he was naming off baby names. At first he was dead set on the name "Alvin" (how ridiculous?). Though a baby was not in our plans we fell so deeply in love with the little being that was growing inside of me... we were so thankful to be expecting such a gift. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

In June of 2012 we had our twenty week anatomy ultrasound. We went into the appointment with Matt hoping for a baby boy, and myself just "feeling" that we were having a girl. When the ultrasound technician said "It's a GIRL!" Matt broke into tears (to this day I still think he secretly was hoping for a girl). Matt loved the name Peyton, and I loved that he wanted to be so involved with every detail of my pregnancy... and so our baby girl had a name. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

In August we began registering for our baby shower. Matt and my brother in law Michael went with me to Babies R Us. Matt had full control of the hand scanner, and him and Michael were racing all over the store as I trailed behind. At one point I found them by the crib bedding. They both decided on a purple themed monkey set, and because they loved it so much I agreed. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

Matt was so supportive throughout my entire pregnancy... it was our pregnancy. And we grew so much
stronger as a couple because of it. But it wasn't until November, when the triage nurse told us that our thirty-nine week baby girl no longer had a heart beat and that I would have to deliver her, that I truly felt the strength of our relationship and the love that Matt has for me. Our lives and dreams were shattered that night, and we were left to rebuild a new life and new dreams together. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

When I was in labor I was not allowed to eat or drink anything and since I had not eaten anything since lunch the day before, I was starving. On Saturday evening Matt sneaked into the Labor and Delivery Family Kitchen and grabbed a grape popsicle from the freezer. He stuffed it deep into his pocket and nonchalantly walked back to our room. I laid in my hospital bed as I watched him pull a grape popsicle from his pant pocket. I could not stop laughing. He stole a popsicle for me... a popsicle! And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

Our first full day home from the hospital was Monday November 19th. We spent about five hours at Target that day and another two hours at our local CVS. Then Tuesday, we went back to Target. And Wednesday, after having a private viewing of Peyton with our immediate family, we went back to Target yet again. If Thursday had not of been Thanksgiving, we probably would have spent our day at Target. Although Matt despises shopping and my love for Target & CVS, he went because I could not bare to be at home. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

Throughout December, January, and February we met with Dr. Kalan, a High Risk Maternal and Fetal Medicine Gynecologist and Obstetrician, several times. Matt and I had hand chosen her from every Obstetrician available to us in Northeast Ohio. Though Matt loved Dr. Kalan instantly, I did not. But he insisted that I would love her too. And he was right. At our appointments Dr. Kalan discussed Peyton's autopsy, genetic testing, my mental health, and bringing a breathing baby into this world in the future. In January, Matt and I decided that we were ready to try to conceive. Dr. Kalan informed us that it may not happen right away, but for us to stay positive. How was I supposed to stay positive? We were supposed to have a baby already... and I so desperately needed to be pregnant again. To say the least I was stressed, and my anxiety was at an all time high. When we did not get pregnant during our first month of trying, Matt began singing "I wanna get you pregnant", part of a song by R. Kelly, to me. It was just this small thing, but it meant so much to me. I realized that even if we did not get pregnant this month, or within the next six months, or even the next year, we would have our own little family one day. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

In February, after my ovulation day, I instantly felt pregnant. I began testing on Tuesday February 19th. Every day the test would read negative and each day Matt would remind me how much he loved me and the family that we already have... the family that included Peyton. And then on Tuesday February 26th, I woke up extra early before Matt's alarm clock even went off for work. My period was due that morning, so I knew this would probably be the last pregnancy test I took for the rest of the month. I counted to one-hundred-and-twenty in my head, and when I looked at the test I was blown away to see TWO PINK LINES. I ran upstairs to our bedroom and jumped on the bed, similarly to a child jumping on their parents bed on Christmas morning, Matt then half asleep. I whispered in his ear "Guess what?" and he responded "Huhh?" in a very scary morning voice. It was such a relief to tell him "We're pregnant!" He was in total shock. Ironically, when I accepted that becoming pregnant again may take time, we got pregnant on my very next cycle. During my lunch break that day Matt sent me a text message that read "I love you. Make sure you eat lunch, you're eating for two now. I love you both." When we finally went to bed that evening Matt kissed my belly and then my forehead, and then reminding me that whatever happened he would always be here for me. And I thought to myself, maybe this is what love is all about.

The past two years have been filled with the unexpected for Matt and I, and I believe because we have not given up on one another is the reason why we are the couple we are today. It would have been so easy for Matt to walk away when I learned I was pregnant with Peyton... but instead he chose to be pregnant with me, and support me in every way he could. It would have been so easy for Matt to walk away after we lost our daughter... but instead he chose to rebuild our life together and create new dreams with me. And it would have been so easy for Matt to walk away from the idea of having a family with me... but instead he chose to take the risk; he chose hope. I love my Matthew so very much, and am so grateful every morning and every night that he is the one who walks this journey of life after loss with me. There is no one else I would like to share this tragic, yet completely beautiful life with. And I believe that is what love is truly all about.

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. 

-- Ecclesiastes, 4:9-12