All She Knew Was Love

Emotionally I am exhausted.

Mentally I feel borderline psychotic.

Physically my body is weak.

We are in our 17th week of pregnancy with baby Matty. As the days turn into weeks the harder it becomes to accept that baby Matty could never and will never be my sweet Peyton, but instead is another sweet and beautiful baby that I love with everything I have.

Part of me believes that I am betraying Peyton... that loving Matty is taking away from my love for Peyton. I remind myself everyday that I love both of my babies, and that loving Matty could never take away from my love for Peyton. But the idea is still there. It won't go away.

I have been struggling more lately. Break downs, flashbacks, and guilt consume almost every aspect of my life.

Part of me looks forward to breaking down - to crying for hours on end - to forgetting every part of my life, except for Peyton.

On my weakest days I open her memory box. I pull out her diamond earrings and imagine how beautiful they would have looked on her. I hold her red bag of ashes in my hand. I open up the zip-lock bag that keeps her "Mommy's Cupcake" outfit safe, and hold her clothes to my nose... they still smell like her. Sometimes, I open up the long oak chest that holds nearly every piece of my pregnancy with Peyton and her death. I love laying out her sparkly funeral dress, and remembering how beautiful she looked in it. I enjoy reading through our baby shower cards, and looking at some of the decorations we saved from our special day.


But after a break down, after the flashbacks stop flipping through my mind like a picture book, after the tears stop pouring from my eyes, after the numbness of death and loss consumes my entire being, and after I place her belongings back into her memory box and oak chest I always have the same thought, "All she ever knew was love".

There is nothing truer in this world. Peyton was loved her entire life. Peyton is still so very loved.

When Matt and I decided to start trying to conceive another baby this Winter we weighed the pro's and con's. We ultimately decided we were ready. For most of my pregnancy however I have felt as if we should have waited a year or two longer. This week I have learned that my new pregnancy is actually a very needed  piece of my journey of life after loss. Through my pregnancy with Matty I have learned how deep my love for Peyton truly is.

When we decided to become pregnant again our motto became "A new baby will not replace Peyton, but a new baby will fill our empty arms." Nearly half way through our pregnancy after loss, that motto has become only partially true. Matty will not replace Peyton; that statement is very true. Yet, while Matty will fill our empty arms physically, emotionally our arms will always yearn to hold both Peyton and Matty together. We will never be given a chance to do so.

Though we are struggling, we have a very beautiful life and are thankful for being given the gift of being Peyton and Matty's parents.

On Saturday May 18th we learned that our Rainbow Baby is a BOY!!!

Matty's official name is Matthew John Jr. We are overjoyed and cannot wait to welcome our little man into this world in October.

This life may not be what we expected, but we are so grateful to be where we are today.

Parent's of Two and NILMDTS Fundraiser

Parent's of Two

How could a Mother confuse her current pregnancy with the pregnancy of her deceased baby?

I wish I did not have to constantly ask myself that question. But I have to, nearly every day.

From the moment we first learned that we were expecting our Rainbow Baby, I have felt as if I am pregnant with Peyton all over again. I find myself having conversations with my sub-conscious; reminding myself that though Peyton and this new baby are connected, they are two different beings... two different souls... two different pregnancies. 

Sometimes I call the new baby by Peyton's name. Not only do I feel embarrassed when I do that, but I feel as if I am dishonoring our sweet Peyton. Many people smile off my "mix-up", and simply change the topic. But I cannot seem to forget that I frequently make this mistake that easily. I cannot forget it at all.

Matt and I picked out names in the beginning of March for the new baby. If a boy, we decided on Grayson John. Grayson for Peyton's middle name, Grace, and John for Matt's middle name, and both of our Father's names. If a girl, we decided on Abigail Grace. Abigail was one of the only names we could agree on. Grace would be the new baby's middle name after Peyton's middle name, which is also my middle name - It come from my Great-Grandma's first name. 

I so desperately needed to have a permanent name for the new baby, so I could begin to separate this pregnancy from my pregnancy with Peyton. Grayson and Abigail were nothing alike, and so they began to seem less fitting. 

Matt reminds me of Peyton so much. When I am near him, I feel closest to Peyton. I think I will feel that way about him even more as our family continues to grow in the next several years. And then, out of the blue, it hit me... baby Matty.

Matt's face lit up when I recommended that we name the baby after him, whether a boy or a girl. If a boy, the baby will be Matthew John Jr., and if a girl, the baby will be Matison (my "Matt" version of Madison) Grace. The baby's nickname, either way, will be baby Matty. 

We are parent's of two very loved babies. A beautiful girl, Peyton Grace, who earned her wings much too early, and a Rainbow Baby, Matty, who will be our Earthly baby.

I am far from grateful that we will not be given the opportunity to watch our babies grow-up together, but I am very blessed to be both Peyton and Matty's Mom. 

Fundraiser in Honor of Peyton Grace, Benefiting the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Organization

On Saturday April 27th Matt and I hosted our first fundraiser in honor of our beautiful baby girl. All proceeds benefited the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Organization (NILMDTS). NILMDTS offers free photography for families facing the untimely death of an infant. We were served by NILMDTS the morning following Peyton's birth.

Marti, a volunteer photographer, photographed Peyton and our family. We received the pictures a week later in the mail, along with a beautiful DVD of pictures set to music. 

Marti's pictures have allowed me to memorize Peyton's face... the exact placement of her ears, the dip in her nose, the crease of her chin. There are no words for how much that means to Matt and I.

We felt this overwhelming need to give back to NILMDTS, which led to us holding a fundraiser to help with the financial needs of a non-profit organization. 

The fundraiser was AMAZING! Our goal was to raised $1,500 for NILMDTS. We were shocked to learn that we raised $2,743 in Peyton's name! How awesome is that? We will be depositing the money into the bank on Saturday morning, and then we will certify mail a check for $2,743 to NILMDTS Headquarters in Colorado.

We also collected 109 children's books. Sunday evening Matt and I loaded up the car with the big box of books and ventured to Hillcrest Hospital Pediatric ER. They knew we were coming with a book donation, but when they saw how big the box was they were overwhelmed with happiness! They had not received a book donation in over 2 years, so it was truly AWESOME to see their faces light up. Hillcrest Hospital was so good to us when we delivered our daughter, and we are so thankful that we were able to give back in some way. 

I want to thank our family for helping us the evening of the fundraiser, ensuring that everything went smoothly.Matt and I love you all so much, and are so thankful for your help. We would also like to thank Cori for all of her hard work in collecting so many great donations for the Chinese Raffle. You are such a beautiful person inside and out! Lastly, I would like to thank Marti, our NILMDTS photographer, and her husband Lou, for photographing our event and for being a part of NILMDTS. We are forever grateful that our lives have intersected.

Expecting The Rest of Our Lives, Again

The impending arrival of our Miss Peyton filled a missing piece in our lives that we once did not even know was missing.

Matt and I often talked about the sports she would play. Would she play hockey like Matt, or be a swimmer like me? Would her Grandpa and Uncle Steve coach her T-Ball Team? Would she be in marching band like her Uncle Mikey? Would she take us by total surprise and take up ballet? We knew that whatever she decided she wanted to do, she would be great at.

We day dreamed of the family trips we would take. We included Peyton in our summer vacation plans. We even bought her a swim suit and sunglasses for the time we would spend at the pool and beach, while on vacation. We started to plan a trip to Disney, for the fall of 2015, when Peyton would be turning three years old.

We had babysitters in place for when I was at work and school. My Granny would watch Peyton on Mondays and Thursdays. Matt's Dad would have Peyton on Wednesdays. My Mom would take Peyton on her day off during the week - usually a Tuesday or a Friday. Peyton's Great-Grandma would keep her on the days we did not have a sitter in place. Everyone was so excited to have their own special days with Peyton and looked forward to the quality time they would spend with her.

We were not just expecting a baby, we were expecting the rest of our lives.

We did not just lose our daughter, we lost our future with her too. She will never say "I love you, Daddy!" or  have an imaginary friend. Peyton will never play hockey, splash her feet in a pool, play catch with her Grandpa, play the clarinet, or wear a pair of ballet slippers. Peyton will never go on vacation with us, nor will she meet Minnie Mouse and Mickey. She will never spend quality time with her Gi-Gi, Grandpa, Grandma, or Great Grandma.

As painful as it is to live our life without Peyton, we still want that life.

We want to be happy. We need to be happy.

No baby could ever, or would ever replace our sweet Peyton. For our own sanity however, we need our empty arms to be filled. Another baby, we believe, will fill that void in our lives.

Maybe we are wrong to want another baby so soon, but this is our life, and I think it's okay.

After every storm there is a rainbow that illuminates the clouds and brings the color back into what was once previously a gray and stormy sky. The beauty of the rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm, but instead offers the promise of brighter times ahead. It is for this reason that a baby who is born after a loss is often referred to as a "Rainbow Baby".


We began "trying" in January, after we took a weekend getaway to re-group and spend some quality time together. After two cycles of "trying" we learned we were indeed pregnant with our Rainbow Baby. We conceived on Valentine's Day, and I truly believe that Peyton sprinkled us with her love that day (along with baby dust, of course)!

We are currently 9 weeks and 4 days pregnant, with an estimated due date of November 6th 2013 (just 11 days before Peyton's 1st Birthday)! Our OB, who we love, will be inducing me in October however, between our 36th and 37th week of pregnancy. I have my fingers crossed for an inducement date of Tuesday October 15th 2013. October 15th is not only Matt's Grandpas' Birthday, but it is also Infant Loss Remembrance Day. For me, October 15th will be a day of HOPE. I could not imagine a more fitting birthday date for our Rainbow Baby.

There are days when we still feel like we are in the middle of the storm that stillbirth brings, but we are now dreaming of our Rainbow who we will be holding in our arms in October.

We saw our OB, Dr. Kalan, who is a Maternal and Fetal Medicine High Risk OB, on March 21st. She told us she had been thinking of us, and was actually going to give us a call until she realized I already had an appointment with her. She was so happy for us! When we first met her in December, I was very hesitant about her. But now, I LOVE her. She is thorough, and honest. And most of all, I trust her.

She ordered some blood work, and we received an ultrasound. It was so amazing to see our Peanut's little heart flickering away on the ultrasound screen. It was a very beautiful moment. Peanut's heartbeat was 143bpm, which we were assured was strong and right where it should be.

A little less than 2 weeks later I realized that our Peanut's heartbeat held a very important message. In July of  2011, my oldest brother, Danny, was shot and killed. Danny would often text his family and friends the number "143". 1 stood for I, 4 for LOVE, and 3 for YOU. I know in my heart Danny and Peyton were with us during Peanut's ultrasound, and that they are happy for us.

For now, I am happy. We have seen our Peanut's heartbeat which lowers our chance of miscarriage to less than 2%. I know that stress and worry will come in our third trimester, and as we near our inducement date. We WILL bring our baby home this time. I am choosing HOPE. Maybe I am crazy to be so optimistic after the type of loss we have suffered, but it is the only thing I can think to do.

We are so happy to be making Peyton a big sister, and to be expecting the rest of our lives, again.

Loving My Stretch Marks

Most people do not realize that though we did not get to take our baby home, we still had to deal with the "postpartum mess", on top of planning a funeral and navigating through the first few weeks of this journey.

I had contractions for the first few days. I bled for seven LONG weeks. I was sore to the point that I literally felt as if someone had actually ran my body over with a semi-truck. My milk came in and for two months I leaked non-stop. And, as my body slowly returned to it's pre-pregnancy size, I realized I had stretch marks. Tons of them!

Though three months following Peyton's delivery I weighed 10lbs less than my original pre-pregnancy weight, I found myself suffering from extreme body image issues. I felt as if I had no reason to look as if I had just given birth, if my arms were so empty. 

Not only were my arms empty, but my body was empty. My skin resembled a deflated pool float that was accidentally left on the pool deck during a summer lightening storm.

I felt cold and hollow... I was cold and hollow.

I needed something, anything, to prove to me that my pregnancy with Peyton was real, and that though my arms and body were empty, my life was not.

It was then that I decided to accept my stretch marks, and my hatred towards my stretch marks became my favorite love story.

My stretch marks were once red, like fire. They have since began to fade. Now, they are white, and in certain lighting they even shine. They are my constant reminder of Peyton's life. Each mark represents the thirty-nine weeks I carried her, her chubby cheeks, each finger and each toe. They remind me of her tiny hands, her button nose, and her ruby red lips. They are my stripes, my stretch marks, my battle scars. I EARNED them. I am PROUD of them. They mean that Peyton was once here. They connect me to her. 

And though I may not look sixteen in my teeny polka dot bikini, I will rock my stretch marks for everyone to see because my arms, body, and life are full of beauty.

Our New Normal

Lately, I have found it so hard to write. Some days I think it's because I do not have enough of the right words. And when I do, I feel like I cannot grasp my thoughts tight enough into a single blog. But other days, like today, I think it's because I'm too happy... too happy to write about life after loss... too happy to be a baby loss Mom.

Most of you are probably thinking to yourself "What is wrong with being happy?" Some days I ask myself that same question.

But in those first two months after Peyton's death, I was so numb... I was completely consumed in our loss. I felt so close to Peyton. Her death was so fresh then that it was like an open wound. And now, it's starting to heal.

I question myself daily if the emotions I am feeling are normal. If it's okay that I'm not broken into a million little pieces. If it's okay that I smile... that I laugh... that I'm happy. I always come to the same conclusion however. Yes, it is okay. This journey that I am on is my journey, and the emotions that I feel are strictly normal for me.

Over the past several weeks Matt and I have grown so much. We are a stronger couple. I love him so much more than I could have ever imagined. We have mainly good days. We talk about Peyton without full blown tears. We talk about the future.

And so, I believe that Matt and I have reached a new step in our journey. A step that other baby loss parents have shared with us - Living a New Normal.

We will never be who we were before we lost Peyton. We miss Peyton with every bit of our hearts, and we wish every day that she were here with us. We see life with new eyes. We appreciate every laugh, every sunrise, and every I Love You. We are not consumed in grief and sadness, though we are sad. We have accepted that Peyton died, but we will never be okay with her death. We have begun to weave Peyton's death into our life together, creating this new normal.

In our new normal we are content. We are happy. We are sad. We miss Peyton. We look forward to our future, yet we are so content with the presence.

In our new normal we have a daughter. And she died. But her life did not end.

In our new normal Peyton's life is still very much alive. She lives on through Matt, myself, and our family. She is in every breath we breathe... every laugh we laugh... every smile we beam. She lives when her name is spoken, when her picture is looked at with a tearful smile, when she is simply thought of. She is here with us every second of every day.

I know this blog is short today, but I feel like I said everything that I needed to with just the right words.

To the right you will find a music video taken from Youtube. It is a song that I listen to every day. It's called "Beam Me Up" by Pink.

I hope you find the piece of happiness that I find in it each and every day.

Thank you for reading and being a part of our journey... our beautiful and sometimes happy life after loss.

Peter Pan

Peter Pan.

All along, it's been Peter Pan. Maybe that is my answer. Or maybe I am truly a crazed, grieving Mother who is willing to grasp onto any idea that her baby is still with her, in some shape and/or form. I'll go with the upper hand and say that it's just Peter Pan.

I bought Peyton the book "Peter Pan" (my absolute favorite book and movie) a week before she was born. Inside I wrote her the following note:

"When I was a little girl I always wanted to be Peter Pan - the boy who never grows up. I did grow up... but swimming is the next best thing! It's harmony and balance - the water is my sky. I hope you fall in love with a passion. I hope you find your own harmony and balance in this world... Love Always, Mommy"

Once we bought Peyton's urn, or as I like to call - memory box, I placed the Peter Pan book under it so that the book would always be with her.

Maybe it is just coincidental that this story has always been my favorite - that it has always had a special place in my heart. And maybe it is just coincidental that I was walking through Wal-Mart one day, picking up last minute baby things, and just happened to see the book out of the corner of my eye.

But I think it is a sign... a small, yet big, hello from heaven. It makes complete and total sense to me.

The Peter Pan character is based off of James Barries older brother who died as a young boy, and therefore always stayed a young boy in his Mother's mind. Peter is sometimes characterized at various ages, but never growing older than puberty. It is thought that each time he leaves Never Never Land to go to the "Real World" he ages a bit.

In short, Peter Pan is a charming and charismatic child who wishes to never grow up, and to always have fun. He can fly and teaches other children how to fly too! He has a strong sense of justice, and always wants to help those in danger. He lives on an island called Never Never Land. In Never Never Land Peter is the captain of the "Lost Boys" (a group of boys who were lost by their parents) whom he leads on thrilling adventures with Pirates, Indians, Mermaids, Fairies, and Wild Beasts. Yet Peter longs for a Mother. Peter does not know his parents. He left them when he was an infant. He manages to entice a little girl (whom he wishes to be his Mother), Wendy, to leave her home and follow him, with her two brothers, to Never Never Land. Eventually, Wendy must leave Never Never Land and grow up. But in the place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming, Peter is always there waiting for Wendy. Peter visits Wendy throughout her life, though she cannot see him, and listens to the stories she tells of him.

Peyton is my very own Peter Pan. She left us when she was just a baby, and she will forever be a little girl... our little girl.

For the first month after Peyton's death I had a recurring dream. In the dream I took Peyton home with us from the hospital, and hid her. I refused to let her leave me. I do not have that dream anymore. Instead, I wake up in the morning knowing I dreamed of her... but no specific details. And I'm okay with that because I know she will ALWAYS be in that place between sleep and awake... she will always be there waiting for me.

I hope Peyton is in Never Never Land, taking thrilling adventures with Pirates and Mermaids. I hope she plays, and laughs, and does all the things little girls do. I hope she is never lonely, for she will always have a Mother and a Father. I hope she remembers Matt and I, for we will never forget her. I hope she visits us throughout our life, and listens to the stories we will tell of her. And I truly hope that when we are blessed with a little brother or sister of Peyton's, that she visits them and takes them on an adventure to Never Never Land, just like Peter took Wendy.

Second star to the right... and straight on till morning.

Results of the Autopsy

Reality

Peyton would be 12 weeks old Saturday. She would be smiling, babbling, and possibly holding her arms out when Matt or I would have gone to pick her up. Her pretty purple hamper would be filled with pink and purple laundry. I would have pretty bows and headbands to put in Peyton's full head of dark brown hair, sitting in a basket on my vanity. Matt would be putting together Peyton's Baby Einstein Neptune Activity Saucer this week. I was so excited to receive it as a gift at our Baby Shower (it wasn't on our registry), and I gave Matt such a problem about packing it away in the closet (the recommended age for the saucer is 3+ months). I remember Matt telling me, "We'll pull it out in February... it'll go by quick!"

Reality is that my heart hurts so, so bad. Some days the pain takes my breath away (literally), and I feel like I am sure to go into cardiac arrest at any second. Most days though I daydream of life in a parallel universe. A universe where Peyton was born with a heart beat. A universe in which I am consumed in complete and utter happiness.

Reality is though that Peyton is not here. She is not smiling, babbling, or holding her arms out for Matt and I. Her hamper is packed away, and so are her articles of pretty pink and purple clothing. There is no basket of bows and headbands sitting on my vanity. And the Neptune Activity Saucer sits in the closet with the rest of Peyton's belongings.

Reality is that it has been almost 12 weeks since Peyton was born and entered into eternal rest. 12 weeks since we held our precious baby girl in our arms for the first and last times. 12 weeks since we had to say hello and goodbye in the same sentence. 12 weeks since we learned what love truly is and what it is like to really have your heart broken.

Reality is that we are just beginning this life long journey.

Cholestasis of Pregnancy

In my 34th week of pregnancy I began to itch intensely on my wrists, fingers, ankles, and the soles of my feet. At first I thought it was eczema but after a few days the itching got so bad that I was tearing my skin up and bleeding. I wasn't able to fall asleep at night either. After some research I learned of a condition called "Cholestasis of Pregnancy".

In the short, Cholestasis of Pregnancy is a condition where the flow of bile is either slowed or stopped, over flowing into your bloodstream and causes an intense itch.

I presented the condition of Cholestasis to my OB. He wrote me a prescription for benadryl for the itching, and insisted that there was no risk. After a week of taking benadryl, the itching was getting worse. I called my OB and insisted on blood work to test the level of bile salts in my bloodstream. He ordered blood work, but never did order the specific test for bile salts. At my next OB visit he told me my blood work was elevated but nothing to worry about. I asked if I should be induced because of the risk of stillbirth with Cholestasis. His words, word for word were "You have to look at the population as a whole, it's such a small percentage... you have a greater chance of walking out of here today and getting hit by a bus!"

After that appointment I sat in the car crying and crying. I contemplated on finding a new OB, but I wouldn't have gotten an appointment until after my due date.

I knew the itching was not right. But no one would listen to me. Not a single person.

There is not much information or research on why Cholestasis causes stillbirth.

In my heart I hope that the Cholestasis had nothing to do with Peyton's death... it's something we may never know for sure though.

The Autopsy

Today Matt and I met with our new OB to consult about Peyton's Final Anatomic Diagnosis.

Peyton had a subgaleal brain hemorrhage and thrombosis of the umbilical vein and proximal umbilical cord. However, the gross and microscopic findings suggest "subacute abruptio placentae" which led to meconium release and increased circulating nucleated red blood cells to be "at least" a contributing cause of Peyton's death.

What does all that mean exactly?

Peyton had a brain hemorrhage. Our OB suggests that it most likely happened in reaction to Peyton's death (meaning that it happened after she passed, and did not cause her any pain). Peyton had several blood clots in the umbilical cord and the maternal section of the placenta. Blood was built up behind the placenta. The placenta also had a concealed abruption which probably happened over the course of a few days to a week. Since there was an abruption it can be inferred that Peyton's body began producing extra red blood cells because of a lack of oxygen or nutrients from the placenta. The placenta detaching led to meconium release.

The placenta abruption is most likely the cause of Peyton's death. Right now we do not know what caused that abruption. We may never know.

Our OB is going to present our case to a Pathologist in Pittsburgh, and another Doctor, who both have a bit of experience with fetal deaths caused by Cholestasis. We hope they can help give us some more answers.

The Future

Our OB maintained the idea during our appointment today that she cannot give us the definite answers of why this happened. There are many pieces that are missing, or that just don't make sense.

She reassured us though that in any future pregnancies many precautions will be taken.

For one, if the itching reoccurs and/or persists my bile salts will be monitored and repeatedly tested. She will perform regular Non-Stress Tests. And at 36 weeks gestation, she will perform an amniocentesis to check the baby's lung development. If the baby's lungs are fully developed, I will be delivered immediately. She also reassured us that I will not go over 37 weeks gestation in any subsequent pregnancies.

Though we do not know why this happened to Peyton, I feel good knowing that we have an OB whom is willing to plan the future with us... who cares!

Hope

When I personally reviewed Peyton's Autopsy last week I was given a sense of "hope". I learned that Peyton had dark brown eyes, which she most likely inherited from Matthew's Mom.

When we were discharged from the Hospital on November 18th, Matt and I told one another how much we wish we had known what color eyes Peyton had.

We know now though. And if that is the only answer I am ever given, I think I'll be okay.
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